A Codependent’s Checklist for Navigating Hard Times

I don’t know about you, but I’m a recovering codependent. I’ve spent my life sticking my nose in everyone’s business, taking on way too much suffering and responsibility, and generally thinking I have to save the world.

Turns out I don’t. All I really have to do is keep my attention focused squarely on myself. But just that simple awareness, alone, has not stopped me. I find that in order to worm my way back to serenity, I must rethink my entire way of rolling through life.

Ah, were it so easy.

The problem with being a codependent is that this is hard. Mainly because we’re often traveling the well-worn mental grooves of our wounded childhoods … even after we hit the recovery trail.

We may KNOW, intellectually, that we really can’t change that abuser/alcoholic/otherwise sick or difficult person’s ways. We may even really, truly know how powerless we are.

But still we try, again and again, to save the day. It’s just an automatic response. Can you relate?

I put together this little checklist for those times when you’ve slid dangerously off course and you really need to stop and check in with yourself.

You’ll know you need this checklist because you’ll feel dangerously unsettled. You’ll find your thoughts turning around and around again in the same twisted rope of logic. And no matter how you try, you can’t think yourself right again. Nor can you change your circumstances in this moment.

This is when a reality check is needed. Take a look at the questions below and see if any ring true in this moment.

☐ Am I being preachy?

☐ Am I being ‘helpful’?

☐ Am I being charming for my own gain?

☐ Am I trying to force a solution?

☐ Am I zoned out and trying to avoid reality?

☐ Do I feel unsafe?

☐ Have I asked for help if I need it?

☐ Have I forgotten I’m not in charge?

☐ Do I still think I can figure my way out of this mess?

If you’ve checked any of the items on this list, you may know just what you need to do next. Or maybe not.

Either way, remember this. Your circumstances are far more perfect than you may realize. They may be uncomfortable. They may be so challenging that they demand every ounce of courage and fortitude you’ve got.

Yet, you are here for a reason. The Universe, God or whomever you believe in plunked you down in this mess because this is simply your next lesson.

You’re simply having your next “freaking growth experience”, as one of my friends puts it.

To get into what that lesson might actually be, ask yourself these two questions:

— Have I forgotten to meet my own needs?

— What do I actually need right now?

When our attention is squarely focused on someone else, we have often forgotten all about ourselves. Our breathing may have become constricted. We may be tossing and turning, unable to sleep. We may have lost touch with our very essence.

I find that when the wolf is at the door, and I can’t stop thinking about it, I’m often running away from something else much bigger. My own anxiety often is the culprit – and it is often not even related to the issue at hand. That’s when I ask myself this:

— What am I afraid of right now?

Pull out a journal and have at it. See if you can really get underneath the current worries on the table, and address the bigger picture. Perhaps, for example, you’re worried your partner will come home late and begin abusing you. So you’re busy trying to out think him/her before anything has even happened.

Could be behind all of that angling is your own simple fear of being alone? Or being unloved? Or being left? Or becoming old?

That is when you need to have a conversation with yourself, and remind yourself that you’ve got your own back. You are here for YOU. No matter how hard things may get. No matter how old or sick or poor you become. No matter what crazy crisis happens next.

You actually do know how to comfort, console and soothe yourself.

You also know how to meet your own needs.

You, alone, can move you back towards serenity.

May this little exercise come in handy the next time you feel particularly alone.

You are stronger than you think.

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