To the parts of myself that feel complex things about the temple changes.
By LMA
January 2019
Many have already written so powerfully and eloquently about their experiences of the new changes to the ordinances of the temple. I would like to share a bit about my experience with these changes. The changes brought up very complex, delicate feelings, and I am still sorting out how and what I feel.
First, the changes are a reminder about the ongoing faith transition I’m experiencing. I have not had a current temple recommend for over a year, and I made that decision with intention and thoughtfulness. Like many women, I have had traumatic experiences with and inside of the temple, and I felt like it was the best decision for my mental health to not attend or hold a recommend. Even though I carefully and thoughtfully weigh all of the decisions I make in relation to my faith (e.g., whether or not to attend church or the temple), I was surprised that I felt left out, and there was a part of me that really wanted to be there and see it for myself.
The changes are also a reminder that I am in an in-between place in my faith. As much as I have made purposeful decisions to take a break and separate myself from my faith in order to assess my situation and attempt to heal, these changes are a reminder that I don’t feel I quite fit in either place – I’m not completely separated from our faith, but I also don’t belong in it in the ways I did before. I am working on getting comfortable being in this in-between place.
Second, the changes are a reminder of past trauma related to the temple and how I’ve been treated as a single woman within my faith. In total, I approached four different bishops in four different wards I lived in about receiving my endowment. These efforts to get information about receiving my endowment and initiate that process were very anxiety provoking and I now recognize traumatic. I feel really sad and angry now that when I was told “no” the first three times, there was a part of me that just accepted it, and felt really ashamed and embarrassed I thought I had any right to ask. This was wrong. I was worthy and deserved to have the opportunity to attend the temple.
At age 26, a fourth bishop was open to me receiving my endowments, and I proceeded forward. Because it took so long for me to be able to receive my endowment, I wasn’t able to go to any temple weddings of family or friends until I was 27 years old. When I started graduate school, I remember a new friend asking me with shock “so you haven’t been to the weddings of any of your siblings?!” I remember I told her no, I hadn’t. I remember not being upset about it, because that’s “just the way things are.” Of the two temple weddings I attended while I had a current temple recommend, I had the most traumatic experience I’ve ever had in our faith in the temple on my sister’s wedding day.
Third, the changes are a reminder of how profoundly exclusive our faith often is, and the emphasis that is put on arbitrary labels, status symbols, and power. Having a current temple recommend and getting married in the temple (and receiving one’s initiatory and endowment in preparation) are seen as the ultimate status symbol, and those who are not partnered or in partnerships beyond cisgendered, hetersosexual pairings are denied access to the resources and privilege that are afforded to others. Even when I had a current temple recommend, because of my experiences trying to receive my endowment and my experience on my sister’s wedding day, I didn’t feel safe there, and it was very clear that I was not wanted. It was also clear that as a single person, I couldn’t have access to the status, resources, and privilege of a partnered and married person.
There are days when I feel like a very small version of myself that wants to show everyone how good I am – to show them all of the attractive parts of me, the parts that are good and palatable, begging those in my family and in my church to love and see me for what I am.
But then another part of me takes over – and these are the things I would gently tell the parts that feel this way:
You are whole and powerful unto yourself, period.
You are powerful, and you have been powerful this whole time.
You are intricate and complex and valuable and enough. Others were/are profoundly wrong for not treating you as such.
You deserve to be seen and treated as a first priority regardless of any arbitrary labels you might or might not have.
Even if others choose not to see you intricacies and wholeness, it doesn’t change what is true and real. You are intricate and whole, regardless of whether or not it is seen by others.
No matter what your faith, temple recommend, and marriage situation is – please know how powerful and important and needed you are.
LMA is PhD-holding boss lady that teaches child development to university students. She cares deeply about issues that affect women inside and outside of our Church.
