Animals with Attitude

​I am saddened to announce that my alter ego, Donna, seems to have developed a serious condition called Kitten Madness.

The most obvious symptom of this affliction is bombarding social media with kitten photos. However, she has also been heard speaking in a high-pitched, baby talk--as if that will make the cat understand English. “You’re a little fuzzy-wuzzy-snuggie-buttpants-cutie-magoomba." Also, she's been spending hours of valuable time trying to settle on the perfect name, then changing it on a daily basis. He's been Mario, Fitzy, Enzo, Tiki, Derby, Titus, Mr. Mimosa, and Sawyer. Finally, she settled on Huckleberry Finn McCool the Wonder Cat, which is ridiculous.
  
I have nothing against her having an animal sidekick, I just think we could have done better than a domestic shorthair. We need something more dangerous--a pet that makes a statement. The obvious choice was a ​honey badger. I mean, they can sleep off a cobra bite like it was one-shot-too-many of cheap tequila,  but it seemed little cliche'. 

Also in the running were the hippopotamus, wolverine,  giant squid, deathstalker scorpion, and a few other awesome animals, but I narrowed the field to three.  [image error] 1)  Cassowary
This flightless bird can easily eviscerate a human with their enormous talons, and they often attack with no provocation. If they do, don't bother trying to run. They can top speeds of 30 miles an hour. And, they're endangered, so you can't even fight back.  2)  Cape Buffalo
This badass bovine is 2,000 pounds of perpetually pissed-off that can charge at 40 miles an hour. They'll take on a lion, Range Rover, killer robot, and "the man." [image error] ​3) Bull Shark - 
Known to be the most aggressive of all sharks, they'll make a meal of fish, dolphins, other sharks, and humans. They sometime eat things just out of curiosity. Ready to be really terrified? They can adapt to bodies of fresh water...let's say, like Herrington Lake.  After much soul-searching and deliberation, I have decided that the Cape Buffalo would make the perfect pet for me. This is my reasoning. The Bourbonista and buffalo has a nice ring to it. I could bedazzle the horns with crystals making it an accessory, as well as a companion. And, they love the water, so it would take right to lake life. As a bonus, I could ride it home from the bars if I got drunk, kind of like a living Lyft. 

​​As far as Donna goes, I'm in the process of staging an intervention to stop the Kitten Madness. It must stop!