A Frickin' Kitten Is Not a Proper Pet

​I am saddened to announce that my alter ego, Donna, seems to have developed a serious condition called Kitten Madness.

The most obvious symptom of this affliction is bombarding social media with kitten photos, but there are others that are just as annoying. For instance, speaking to it in a high-pitched baby talk as if that will make it understand English.--“You’re a little fuzzy-wuzzy-snuggie-buttpants-cutie-magoomba." And, taking hours of valuable time away from writing and drinking to find the perfect name, then changing it on a daily basis. He was Mario, Fitzy, Enzo, Tiki, Derby, Titus, Mr. Mimosa, and Sawyer before she has finally settled on Huckleberry Finn McCool the Wonder Cat, which is ridiculous,  
 
I have nothing against having an animal sidekick, I just think we could have done better than a domestic shorthair. We need something more dangerous…a pet that makes a statement. The obvious choice was a ​Honey Badger After all, they're so notoriously vicious they can't even be kept in zoos and can sleep off a cobra bite like it was just one shot too many of cheap tequila,  but it seemed like a cliche'. 

Also in the running were the hippopotamus, wolverine,  giant squid, deathstalker scorpion, and a few other awesomw animals, but I narrowed the field to three.  [image error] 1)  Cassowary
This flightless bird can easily eviscerate a human with their enormous talons and often attack with no provocation. If they do, don't bother trying to run. They can top speeds of 30 miles an hour. And, they're endangered, so you can't even fight back.  2)  Cape Buffalo
This badass bovine is 2,000 pounds of perpetually pissed-off that can charge at 40 miles an hour. They'll take on a lion, Range Rover, killer robot, and "the man." [image error] ​3) Bull Shark - 
Known to be the most aggressive of all sharks, they'll make a meal of fish, dolphins, other sharks, and humans. They sometime eat things just out of curiosity. Ready to be really terrified? They can adapt to bodies of fresh water...let's say, like Herrington Lake.  After much soul-searching and deliberation, I have decided that the Cape Buffalo would make the perfect pet for me. This is my reasoning. I could bedazzle the horns with crystals making it an accessory, as well as a companion; Bourbonista and Buffalo has a nice ring to it; they love the water, so it would take right to lake life; and I could ride it home from the bars if I got drunk like my own personal living Lyft. 

​​As far as Donna goes, I'm in the process of staging an intervention to stop the Kitten Madness. It must stop!