Live Fearless #notafraid

During this past semester, my sister Krista and I ate lunch together every Friday. On our walks back from the cafeteria, she would usually have a new song for me to listen to. But one Friday half-way through the semester, she reminded me of an old one, a song I had not heard since my high school years in Peru.

We parted ways and as I walked to work, I played the song: “(I Am) Not Afraid Anymore” by Twila Paris. It was one of those moments where the world fell away until I was alone under that Pensacola-blue sky. It was just God and me, and He spoke to my heart.

If you have a moment, stop and look up the song! The first lines are:

“I said I belong to You

But in a secret room, I kept a secret list

I said, “Anything for You”

“Anything but this, anything but this”

All semester, I wrestled with my heart, with surrender and with hidden fears. Sometimes fears hide deep inside us, defining our actions and decisions before we realize the fear is even there.

I kept telling God, “I belong to You. I am Yours.” But fear tugged my heart away from His, forcing me to hold back pieces of my heart.

As I look back over this past semester, I can see how many times fear stopped me from doing what I should have done, from stepping out and saying things and loving people the way I should have. I didn’t want to risk my heart, even though that was the anthem of my writing. For over a year now, I’ve been specifically seeking out different fears and trying to overcome them, fight them, move beyond them.

But it seems that every time I win over one fear, several more sneak back into my heart. I’m tired of living afraid, of hesitating. I’m tired of asking what God wants of me, then pretending not to hear what He tells me. Fear doesn’t keep me safe, it keeps me imprisoned behind walls I build for myself.

When I was doing ministry with Muslims in Europe, I remember laying in bed every morning, and feeling the weight of fear pressing against me. I didn’t have the strength to get up. I didn’t have the courage to speak out and step out and share God’s word with boldness. I was weak and fearful and shy. And all the doubts and fears and worries would torment me in those first few moments when I lay awake in bed.

But then I would close my eyes and pray out the fear. I would whisper, “God, I can’t do this. There is so much fear inside me. Take it all away. Strip away all my insecurities and fears, my worries. Take away any trace of hesitation or shyness. Replace my fear with courage, Lord. Give me insane boldness today and confidence in what words to say.”

As soon as I prayed, the fear would completely leave me. I would jump up and get ready, with a song of joy where fear had once frozen my heart.  If fear tried to tiptoe back into my heart that day, I would immediately pray again and find courage again.

To me, courage from God is a miracle in itself. 

I can not fight fear on my own, and yet somehow I still try. All I have to do is pray out fear and God will give me courage to bold and to live fearlessly.

2019 is a new beginning, and I love new beginnings. But I know I’ll drag my same mistakes and sinful tendencies with me into the new year. That’s why I am grateful that God’s mercies are new every morning.

“Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not, they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” 

Lamentations 3:22-23

If you are tired of being manipulated by fears, if you want to live fearlessly today and tomorrow and next year, then join me this week.

In these last 7 days leading up to Christmas, I’m going to be studying out fear and how to overcome it. It’s not easy, but we’ll go through it together, one day at a time, praying out fear.

Our time here in this wondrous world is fleeting and priceless. I’ve lost too much to fear to allow myself to lose more. God’s courage is here for us to fall into.

So here’s a Sneak Peek of this week of FACING & FIGHTING FEAR: The next four days will be on F.E.A.R: failure, excluded, attacked, and rejected. Then we’ll get to two blog posts I’m most excited about: TRUST (the antidote to fear) and then Holy FEAR.

I’d love to work together this week as we figure out how to say “I am not afraid anymore.”

I’ll end with my favorite lines from the Twila Paris song I mentioned: 

“You knew the more I covered up my heart

The more I didn’t know myself

I am not afraid anymore

You have opened all the windows

Opened all the doors

I am not afraid anymore

I feel the wind of freedom like I never did before.”