F.E.A.R Failure #NotToday
It’s not fun to fail, but I seem to manage to fail at something every day.
Sometimes it is something small, like yesterday when I completely forgot to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer or today when I tried to casually parkour into my kitchen and almost fell on my face. But sometimes I fail at bigger things, like when I fail a class project, let down a teacher, or fail a friend when it really matters.
For me, failure is when I try but I am not good enough. When I do not reach my potential. When I disappoint those around me.
But the worst thing is when I fail God.
The fear of failure can really lock me down. If I don’t try something new, if I don’t stick myself out there, then I can avoid failure.
It’s easy, really, to not-fail if you stay in the safe zone. If you keep doing what you’re good at and only that. But I ’ve seen how much I miss out on when I allow the fear of failure to hold me back.
Instead of fearing failure, I am trying to embrace it—to laugh at myself when I play volleyball for years and still manage to catapult the ball far beyond the net, to groan but smile when (like today) I accidentally submerge my iPhone in a sink full of warm soapy water.
I’m a mess and I’m a failure, but if I want to get better, I have to try new things and do things I’m terrible at. One thing I am trying to work on is public speaking.
It’s not something I like to do and it’s not something I’m good at. But I decided that if I am asked to do it, I won’t say no. Simple things like class presentations or giving small speeches on campus still shred my insides with nerves. But I do it anyway, and the confidence-part catches up, usually a minute or two into my speech.
This past semester, I completed a Professional Writing Portfolio as part of my senior credits needed to graduate. Then, at the end of the semester, I read some of those written pieces at a formal reading. The Portfolio was fun—something I’d looked forward to since Freshman year.
My theme was Chasing Life (throwback to my Chasing Life post from September) and I centered many of my pieces on living life boldly and overcoming fear. I wanted my writing to inspire people to do more and go farther, to chase after life.
But the night of my Portfolio reading, nerves built up inside me. Everything was set and ready, but my confidence had high-tailed it out of there. That Friday night, as I walked alone across campus to set up for my reading, an overwhelming urge to run away swelled up inside me.
Worries and doubts, and ever-present fear pushed against me, warning me that I could very easily and, in all probability, epically fail during my reading.
I told myself that I couldn’t run away, because if I did, it would completely discredit everything I had been writing and encouraging others to do. If I let fear hold me back from sharing my words with a group of strangers and friends, then my words lost their meaning.
So, I went, nerves and all, and I stood in front of the crowd of familiar and unfamiliar faces. I felt extremely torn up and nervous inside, but then I started to read, and with every word, the nerves loosened. The fear receded from my mind and that night turned into one of my best memories that semester.
The true failure is when you let fear hold you back from trying.
But if you do try, even if you do not get as far as you want to or do the best you wished you could do, then you have still succeeded.
Here are a few lines from another of my anti-fear songs: Not Today by Hillsong United.
“Whenever I say Your Name Jesus
Let the devil know not today
Not now not ever again
Your love stood down death
Crushed the devil’s head
Fear is just a liar
Running out of breath”
Fear is a liar running out of breath! What is something new or difficult that you want to do but you’ve let the fear of failure hold you back? Tell the devil “Not Today.”
In 1 Chronicles 28:20 King David tells his son Solomon, “Be strong and of good courage, and do it; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the Lord God—my God—will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you, until you have finished all the work for the service of the house of the Lord.”
Okay, wow! I love this verse. The Bible is full of verses telling us to be strong and courageous, and to not fear. If God keeps reminded us not to fear, He understands how often fear strikes at our heart. But NOT TODAY.
We’re not going to let the fear of failure hold us back from trying. Life’s too short to wait on the sidelines, where we neither fail nor succeed. God’s got our back, so let’s live today fearlessly.
