Every Day Should Be April Fools’ Day

The list of bad shit going down, written in small letters, could be penned on a roll of toilet paper that would wrap around the Earth. What, Dear Reader, are we to do about this? I myself cannot take down a corporation at this time. Same with the frat wad Supreme Court drunk. Monsanto. Big Oil. You can’t either. Let’s look to April Fools’ Day and our beaten, diminished, comical at this point patriotism.

We have to be ready, at all times, to run a comedy burn on The Man. Its only one answer, but if we can all get behind it, we can make a difference. Dildogate, where superhero Josie Butler bounced a pink dildo off the face of New Zealand MP Steven Joyce? That should have been the beginning. Suggestions? Email them to each other. Talk to your friends. Here’s a good one to get you started.

A guy I know here in Portland was visiting a bartender friend at an upscale place, a little out of his element among the rich, but smooth about it. In walks Night Man, five thousand dollars of suit wrapped around a human finance shark. His awe inspiring cologne was a mélange of crushed souls, enslaved blond, and testosterone, with a dash whatever a mountain of gold smells like.

My friend, henceforth to be referred to as Dudeboy, checks out Night Man and then watches as he chews on the staff, barks finance jabber to a lackey on his phone, and generally dominates. Then Night Man crossed the line and nibbled on Dudeboy’s gal, the bartender.

Dudeboy saw Night Man drive up in a Mercedes Extra Deluxe Stretch Supreme Omega. He went right outside and walked over to the bar’s cardboard recycling bin. Bums shit back there sometimes. Dudeboy tore a leaf of cardboard free, scooped up a really ripe dollop of bum squeeze, and went to the Night Man’s car and scraped it off under the door handle on the driver’s side.

Later, when Night Man touched it, then raised it to his nose to find out what it was, he screamed high and long, like a frightened rabbit.

Let’s get to work!