Lost and Found
Looking at my Goodreads account I see that it's been 5+ years since I've logged in and been active. And that saddens me, brings tears to my cause because I've been lost. Lost and out of touch with my artist self.
I remember when I first opened this account. I was so excited to grow, expand, connect, and it had only been a year since I self published my first book.
I've had five more pregnancies and only four more children. Almost seven years in my marriage, on the 27th it would be our 7 year anniversary. And man have we been going through some things.
Full time stay at home, homeschooling, unschooling, advancing in self knowledge, and trying to figure out ways to earn an extra income to help my husband take care of our family.
As I had more children, I performed less and less. I still supported and cheered my husband on when he performed. With pride, sadness, envy, and jealousy in my heart.
It's been a rollercoaster ride, and instead of losing my lunch I lost...myself.
I lost my passion for writing and when that happened, I lost a part of me. Writing to just help people just wasn't enough for me anymore. It wasn't sustaining or fulfilling. And boy did I go through a time of guilt and hating myself because I felt that.
The truth is though. I couldn't be a whole woman, the wife, the mom that I needed to be and wanted to be if I wasn't right myself.
So I had to embark on my painful and selfish journey of loving my craft again, which meant loving myself. Every part of myself, inside and out, the good and the bad. And that meant having self time, me time away from my children. And whew that was the hardest thing ever. I used to come back like after 20 minutes because I felt bad for being away. No bueno huh? And that worry that my husband wouldn't watch them right and do things my way.
However once I started to think, speak, journal, and take consistent action on this change and path of finding myself. Doors started to open. I joined a writers group on Facebook and now a co-author of a collaborative erotica anthology book and I love it!!!
I finally joined Toastmasters to help myself be more confident and organized when I speak. I am even writing poems to go along with my speeches.
I also joined a local Women's Writing Group that has helped me out tremendously. When I was going through the phase of not knowing what to write. The assignments we were given helped me to write not only what was required but also other creative writing as well.
I've started to keep a journal and learning that it's okay to babble and not write about anything of importance, creativity, story worthy etc..Just the fact that I am is writing is what's important. For that I'm grateful to have been introduced to morning pages from the book “The Writer's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity By Julia Cameron”.
These life choices and actions were needed and important. I needed to do them for me. And in doing so I learned:
1. I don't have to rush my mental journey of gaining new wisdom and knowledge to keep up with others.
2. As a mom, especially with five children, it is imperative that I take time for myself. Not only so I can be at my best, I need me time, as well because my children need to learn that it's okay to say time out life I need a break.
3. Putting my dreams and goals to the side of being a published and successful (with what it means to me), writer is not the right thing as I'm teaching them to have their own goals and dreams, make them, and follow them. I need to be that example. I need, I must do it for myself too.
4. To love myself inside and out. The good, the bad, and all the ways it will come out in my writings.
5. It is definitely acceptable to want to write for myself because that's what I love to do. I don't always have to focus on helping people. However since that is my second natural gift, it still comes out in my writings too. Lessons. Bits and pieces of my life that help others.
And after all that learning, though I know I'm not done. I am back to writing because I love it, and it makes me happy. And that's okay!! I'm writing stories that aren't just spiritual, Christian, fiction, fantasy either. I've added erotica and murder mystery underneath my belt and I'm pretty darn good at it, (I've been told that as well).
I'm excited, each new day that I wake up because it's filled with new ideas and my imagination to go wild. I have a new love and a new appreciation for my gift. And having more children is actually helping me to be more organized and structured since my time has become “less”, or better yet more valuable. Isn't that ironic.
So yea I'm excited to be back on my writing journey. Well when I think about it, I never left it. These past 6 years have been part of my journey. And I'm looking forward to more growth, connections, feedback, and opportunities to expand. I hope you feel and think if and as you read the new content that I share.
Love and Imagination,
Angelica AQ
I remember when I first opened this account. I was so excited to grow, expand, connect, and it had only been a year since I self published my first book.
I've had five more pregnancies and only four more children. Almost seven years in my marriage, on the 27th it would be our 7 year anniversary. And man have we been going through some things.
Full time stay at home, homeschooling, unschooling, advancing in self knowledge, and trying to figure out ways to earn an extra income to help my husband take care of our family.
As I had more children, I performed less and less. I still supported and cheered my husband on when he performed. With pride, sadness, envy, and jealousy in my heart.
It's been a rollercoaster ride, and instead of losing my lunch I lost...myself.
I lost my passion for writing and when that happened, I lost a part of me. Writing to just help people just wasn't enough for me anymore. It wasn't sustaining or fulfilling. And boy did I go through a time of guilt and hating myself because I felt that.
The truth is though. I couldn't be a whole woman, the wife, the mom that I needed to be and wanted to be if I wasn't right myself.
So I had to embark on my painful and selfish journey of loving my craft again, which meant loving myself. Every part of myself, inside and out, the good and the bad. And that meant having self time, me time away from my children. And whew that was the hardest thing ever. I used to come back like after 20 minutes because I felt bad for being away. No bueno huh? And that worry that my husband wouldn't watch them right and do things my way.
However once I started to think, speak, journal, and take consistent action on this change and path of finding myself. Doors started to open. I joined a writers group on Facebook and now a co-author of a collaborative erotica anthology book and I love it!!!
I finally joined Toastmasters to help myself be more confident and organized when I speak. I am even writing poems to go along with my speeches.
I also joined a local Women's Writing Group that has helped me out tremendously. When I was going through the phase of not knowing what to write. The assignments we were given helped me to write not only what was required but also other creative writing as well.
I've started to keep a journal and learning that it's okay to babble and not write about anything of importance, creativity, story worthy etc..Just the fact that I am is writing is what's important. For that I'm grateful to have been introduced to morning pages from the book “The Writer's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity By Julia Cameron”.
These life choices and actions were needed and important. I needed to do them for me. And in doing so I learned:
1. I don't have to rush my mental journey of gaining new wisdom and knowledge to keep up with others.
2. As a mom, especially with five children, it is imperative that I take time for myself. Not only so I can be at my best, I need me time, as well because my children need to learn that it's okay to say time out life I need a break.
3. Putting my dreams and goals to the side of being a published and successful (with what it means to me), writer is not the right thing as I'm teaching them to have their own goals and dreams, make them, and follow them. I need to be that example. I need, I must do it for myself too.
4. To love myself inside and out. The good, the bad, and all the ways it will come out in my writings.
5. It is definitely acceptable to want to write for myself because that's what I love to do. I don't always have to focus on helping people. However since that is my second natural gift, it still comes out in my writings too. Lessons. Bits and pieces of my life that help others.
And after all that learning, though I know I'm not done. I am back to writing because I love it, and it makes me happy. And that's okay!! I'm writing stories that aren't just spiritual, Christian, fiction, fantasy either. I've added erotica and murder mystery underneath my belt and I'm pretty darn good at it, (I've been told that as well).
I'm excited, each new day that I wake up because it's filled with new ideas and my imagination to go wild. I have a new love and a new appreciation for my gift. And having more children is actually helping me to be more organized and structured since my time has become “less”, or better yet more valuable. Isn't that ironic.
So yea I'm excited to be back on my writing journey. Well when I think about it, I never left it. These past 6 years have been part of my journey. And I'm looking forward to more growth, connections, feedback, and opportunities to expand. I hope you feel and think if and as you read the new content that I share.
Love and Imagination,
Angelica AQ
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