Time and The Lack There Of

Time and The Lack There Of

            Remember how the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland was always running, saying, “I’m late! I’m late! I’m late for a very important date!”?

Well, I’m not exactly late for an important date, but for the past couple of years I have felt like I do nothing but chase time. I’m constantly going, constantly doing, and constantly moving.

Now, before you say, “great, this is a pity party blog”, it is not! I’m off from my day job today and found myself doing what I always do…trying to fit in every possible thing I could so that I could accomplish at least one thing on my to do list. Oh and, also have some sort of “author time” today as well.

Normally, I get up and get going because I know I have to use every minute my body has the energy for, but for the past couple of weeks, I have been unable to move at my normal pace. I’m not quite sure why. Well, I might have some idea…and it’s all my fault.

I have mentioned a few times that I attended three different conferences this summer. Each one gave me valuable information to walk away with. Since coming home from the last one, the feeling of needing to beat the clock has been very strong and instead of pushing me to move forward, it has caused me to drag a little.

It all comes down to seeing what I have to do to push myself in order to make my dream a full reality and feeling very inadequate to do so.

I know I have come a lot further on this journey than many people do. I am thankful for all I have accomplished so far and all the wonderful people I have met along the way. But, still I fight the clock to get to that next step, that next turn on the journey.

I use the excuse of life getting in the way a lot and that’s about 95% true. The reality is that I am fearful that I am not as good at this whole writing thing as I believe. What if I have been forcing myself down the wrong path all this time? What if all those people who love the story are saying that just to be kind?

I always say I can’t breathe unless I’m writing. So, I do believe writing and I are supposed to be one together. But, it’s hard to get over the bumps of fear sometimes, especially when you have to do something you’ve never done before.

I will press on. I have to. It’s who I am and it’s the dream I have. To not chase it, would be denying who I am and I will chase time for as long as necessary to do it.