Comforting

I have come to the shocking realization, in just the last two years, that I am unable to think for myself. Although I am still able to decide if I’ll have a hamburger or sushi for dinner, and I can choose what earrings to wear and on which side I should part my hair, my impaired ability to think seems to apply particularly to the political sphere. Of course, I am not the only one afflicted. I suspect this rather sudden ailment has affected nearly half of the citizens of this country and many in Western Europe as well.

Thankfully, the other half of the population have been unaffected by this problem. Among those who can and do still think for themselves are the journalists for the great newspapers, those pundits who host television and radio news programs, and the majority of Hollywood celebrities. With forbearance and great understanding, they have all adjusted to the new situation. You see, in times past, newspaper, radio, and television journalists reported the news objectively. But now that I and so many others can no longer think for ourselves and make informed decisions, those writers, commentators, and celebrities have, in charity, with a sense of noblesse oblige, cast aside objectivity. Why? For the very reason that on my own, I will very likely draw the wrong conclusions. To alleviate this problem, they now write articles and give interviews to tell me what and how I should think.

This has made my life so much easier. I don’t have to check facts, read the Constitution, or study the issues any longer. Now I can lie back, eat bonbons, and tune in to find out what my opinion is. If I don’t get it from a news program, a famous Hollywood actor or two will fill me in. As an added bonus, those Hollywood types use such colorful rhetoric. There used to be a certain decorum and civility on newscasts and in TV interviews, with carefully constructed language, but no more. Nowadays, I’m always learning new and scintillating profanities to address the political opposition. Who would have thought there were so many clever ways to use the F-bomb?

There are also those of the common people who can still think for themselves. The category that is most outspoken is that great group represented by The Oppressed Man on the Street. These dynamic people know about the pen, but being practical-minded, they prefer the sword. In their wisdom, they know the best way to effect political change in a constitutional republic is to throw stones, break windows, vandalize cars, attack police officers, and beat the opposition senseless.

It’s all so refreshing.

I used to think it was good to make changes through Congress; it was good to have a police force, and it was good to defend our borders. But now, being unable to think for myself, I have to go along with the ideas of The Oppressed Man on the Street. (I noticed the alternative for those who didn’t was rather painful.) I mean, really, why do we need law officers with people like them in charge? What the heck—let’s make a clean sweep and do away with government altogether. Let’s share the wealth—invite the whole world in. What a party--we’ll all have hamburgers and sushi. Let’s follow those progressive regimes who’ve paved the way. In a couple of years, when the hamburgers and sushi run out, we too, like the Venezuelans, can dine on refuse, pets, and zoo animals.

I used to study history to compare systems of government like capitalism and communism, but that was when I could think for myself. Now, I just follow the lead of those who know best and want to lead me down the correct path. Oh golly, with them in charge, what a future lies before us! Quite comforting, don’t you think?