“It’s just a shame that your guinea pig had to be a homicidal maniac like Jack Frost, who I now have to put back… in a test tube.”

32. Slay Bells – Jo Gibson

If there is anything that the 1989 Dan Haggerty Christmas classic Elves has taught us, it’s that working in the mall on Christmas will lead to a Nazi plot coming to fruition through terrible puppetry. Take that, underemployed seasonal humans!

Slay Bells follows a similar line except that one must replace “terrible puppetry” with “really stupid reasons for killing people.” You under-priced a pie! Death is your Christmas gift! I get that he wasn’t happy about the mall being built on the farm he was supposed to inherit, but I’m not so sure the homicidally insane are going to be successful farmers anyway. It takes a different set of instincts, although being really committed to the land is definitely important.

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Guinea pigs have many different sets of instincts. Mortemer’s told him he should re-design Murderface’s ear for Christmas. Not what she had in mind.

Mixtape:

1. “sat” – Kauan

2. “The Pagans Had It Right” – Devil in a Woodpile

3. “Winter Is Coming” – Ramin Djawadi

4. “Christmas Is A-Coming” – Leadbelly

5. “Santa Claus Is Back in Town” – Elvis Presley

6. “Christmas” – Gallon Drunk

7. “A Gun for Christmas” – The Vandals

8. “Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)” – The Darkness

9. “The List” – Ha Ha Tonka

10. “Gremlins” – The City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra

11. “White Christmas” – Ron Gallo

12. “Don’t Think I’m Santa Claus” – Lil McClintock

13. “Blue Snowfall” – Kelly Hogan

14. “O Holy Night” – Murder By Death

15. “I’m Drunk Again This Christmas” – Zach Schmidt

16. “Will Hell Be Your Santa Claus?” – Rev. J.M. Gates

17. “Happy New Year Blues” – Mary Harris

 

Present the last – It’s better than butter.

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Finny and Black Phillip’s cousin Mose living my dream. The most delicious of all presents.