“Oh, why don’t you go find a wall socket and stick your tongue in it. That’ll give you a charge.”

31. Secret Santa – D.E. Athkins

At last Deathkins has found the secret to dealing with her whim to have too many characters – trap them on an island! It totally makes sense for high school kids to be jet setting away to a private island during the holiday break! They don’t need to see their families, they need to please Djuna because she’s popular (kind of) and smokes in the bathroom and invited people who used to be couples, are currently couples, and the new kid…and because her family owns an island but doesn’t supervise their daughter. They let the “help” do that.

Of course, like all decent Santa-based games involving deception, there’s kidnapping and teenage insult marathons. Look, Neal, nobody likes you. You were a crappy boyfriend and you’re a crappy houseguest too- in the hole with you! Now let’s all watch the tide come in.

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Horace, Pere, Merri, and Danger are not up for teenager games in the winter beyond musical blankets.

Mixtape:

1. “akva” – Kauan

2. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” – Pilgrim Travelers

3. “Christmas Morning Blues” – Victoria Spivey

4. “Papa Barrence’s Christmas” – Barrence Whitfield & the Savages

5. “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” – Electric Six

6. “Dark Christmas” – Dex Romweber Duo

7. “I Slept Through Christmas” – Ruby Boots

8. “Christmas Time for My Penis” – The Vandals

9. “Christmas Time Blues” – Trainwreck Riders

10. “Christmas Time Will Soon Be Over” – Fiddlin’ John Carson

11. “Christmas Blues” – Ralph Willis

12. “Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis” – Tom Waits

13. “Christmas in Oblivion” – The Yawpers

14. “The Wrong Way to Celebrate Christmas” – Rev. Edward W. Clayborn

15. “nila” – Kauan

16. “Happy New Year Blues” – Blind Lemon Jefferson

Present that’s not really a present number three – House of the Merricat.

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Merricat would’ve intimidated Tom Noonan out of trying to impregnate her with the antichrist. She was the kind of pig that could do that. She’s also the kind of pig that looks awesome on a throw pillow.