Seeing The Light
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I recently went on a tirade that I felt was incredibly necessary to be voiced/written. A few events caused an avalanche of emotion that I ended up speaking up about. Speaking up about it caused a backlash response that, although the backlash was not entirely true and incredibly painful, it made me realize that I am harboring too much anger ‘baggage’ and it was time to let it go. So I am.
The backlash I received has caused me to re-evaluate my entire life, my entire existence, and my here and now. Although the backlash was incredibly painful, as I said, it was necessary to help me see the light and I have. Seeing this light has changed everything, absolutely everything and I am very thankful for it.
When I got divorced several years ago, I was able to afford counseling for my two kids but not for myself. I used my blogging to get out my pain, anger, and frustration thinking that this was enough and it would ‘fix’ everything but I was dead wrong.
Recent events have allowed me to see that I needed counseling because I was not over my anger and frustration. Going to counseling has been the best decision that I could have ever made, plus, the Professor and I are going together because this blending crap is not easy and carrying along the hurts from the past are not healthy.
Losing 16 years of my life makes me so angry I could just spit, a lot, and yes, it was not all the ‘other’s’ fault, I had a hand in the ending of my 16-year relationship too but I feel very wronged in so many ways. Counseling is helping me cope with this and I am so thankful for folks in the counseling world. Getting counseling is not a weakness and in some ways, I think I didn’t get it at first because I thought I was stronger than I actually was.
The Professor and I suffer from a form of post-traumatic stress disorder and here is how I know this.
There are moments in time where my son will behave in a way or say something a certain way that reminds me of my painful lost 16 year years and it is as if I am reliving certain painful events . . . it’s like breaking open a sore that is just trying desperately to heal. When this happens, my gut just wrenches and I react in a way that I am not proud of because I am thrown back to the ‘lost’ years. The memories alter my personality if you will but temporarily.
No one has any idea what went on, no one. I am often judged and I get it, judging is easy and keeps your life safe and protected but folks don’t know the whole truth and never will. It’s easy to stay in your bubble of bliss and not get your hands dirty with the other half of what can happen in certain situations. Your misunderstanding can be very painful for a person but your ignorance I will and can accept.
My life is forever changed and my past has made me the person that I am today. A person that the Professor loves and cherishes, a person that my kids have told me they look up to for all of the hard work it takes to raise kids virtually alone, and a person that is a better therapist because of her growing understanding of the human existence.
I would never wish my past away as it has made me a strong understanding woman and I would never want to change that. Although the judgment of others can hurt, its worth the pain to grow as a human being and become the best possible person I can be on this lovely planet that God has given us. My pain has made me who I am today and I am proud of the person I have become. I am a person that is broken but seeking help to become whole again. Thank you to our counselor, I have faith that you will help us in so many ways.
To all you folks out there who are suffering, seek counseling because another person’s perspective can help dramatically!
Love y’all!!
