Fun with Horoscopes… By Ripley Proserpina

Sorrow-scopes are my new favorite Twitter alert. Over the past months, I’ve received messages like:

Capricorn: Start writing that book you’re never going to finish. The words don’t matter. It’s in the telling people about it that gets you through the day.

And…

Capricorn: Everyone’s still talking about your appearance on the Red Carpet, in the middle of the Red Room, cowering before the Great and Terrible Red King.

I don’t even know what that means, but I still chuckled. So, in keeping with my most recent amusement, I’ve decided to share some of stranger horoscopes I’ve found for Zodiac signs… Enjoy:)

Aries from The Onion

The Virgin Mary will appear in a dream and tell you to go forth in the world to help the poor and needy, causing you to wake up screaming in a cold sweat.

Taurus from www.mamamia.com.au

You will find your soulmate this week. Look to your left. You will be passionately kissing that person by the end of the year. If there’s nobody sitting there…Well, sucks to be you I guess. #sadface

Gemini from www.horoscope.com

This is a great day for routine work that doesn’t require much concentration.

Cancer fromwisecrackzodiac.wordpress.com

It’s great that you want to reach for the stars, but what if you succeed? Those things are probably very hot, not to mention really, really far away. Take some gloves and protein bars before you hop into that Tesla and go.

Leo from www.astrologyweekly.com

You like to kiss mirrors a lot.

Virgo from sevendaysvt.com 

“Chill out, dammit!”

Libra from scoop.it

Someone at school or work may hit on you. Unfortunately, you do not find him attractive (is it that one eye that is bigger than the other?).

Scorpio from Buzzfeed’s Good Nice Horoscope

Did you get your tetanus shot?

Sagittarius from Buzzfeed’s 12 Probably Accurate Horoscopes for Lazy Girls

Cleaning your house, personal hygiene, calling people back, paying your bills, and making any sort of future plans whatsoever. All that stuff can wait for the next week. Or the week after.

Capricorn from @Sorrow-scopes

You know how terrifying carousel music is outside the context of the carousel, and in the context of panicked and futile fleeing? You don’t? Oh, you’re in for a treat.

Aquarius from humor gazette.com 

Follow your instincts on matters involving a reputed mobster and his rhesus monkey.

Pisces from mamamia.com.au

Remember last week, when you said that next week was going to be better than that week but then this week came and it wasn’t actually better than the week you thought it would be better than? You know where I’m at.

That’s Jupiter’s fault. I don’t know what to tell you – Jupiter is being a total wang right now. But in the immortal words of Ernest Hemingway: “Jupiter can eat my poo.”