Vintage Effing Feline – doesn’t care what folks think

Originally published March 7, 2015

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Quick quiz. Who the heck is Effing Feline?

Blogger on Ed Hoornaert’s blog
A Narcissistic nuisance
The world’s most literary cat
The wildly popular legend in his own mind
All of the above

Effing started out as an anonymous picture for which readers could write their own captions, but he has since grown into a larger than life character (especially around the belly). In case you missed him, Mondays now feature some of Effing’s cattiest moments.

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Welcome back, humans. It’s me, Fart-Fueled Flying Feline introducing another excerpt for the weekend writing warriors’ Eight Sentence Sunday.

My nickname is Effing Feline. Mr. Valentine (aka Edward Hoornaert) tells me that ‘effing’ has naughty connotations. Like I care, right? I’m a cat, after all. I don’t care what anyone thinks.

I’m still choosing selections from Alien Contact for Idiots, a near-future science fiction romance slated for release March 12.  This one’s a continuation of last week’s post.

A duplicate of Vancouver Island mysteriously appears overnight. After Ell Harmon, a Seattle biologist, is sent to investigate, she contacts the not-of-our-earth humans on the island.  Here she talks on her cellphone with an army colonel, admitting a mistake while the aliens’ leader, Tro Eaglesbrood, looks on:

“I made a dumb mistake–I shook hands with two Kwadrans, and you know what that means.”

“Uh,” Wikstrom said, “they’re polite?”

“An exchange of germs.” She turned to Tro and said, “Do you know what germs are?”

“Of course I do,” Wikstrom said. “Just because I’m in the army doesn’t mean I’m—”

“Not you,” Ell said. “I’m talking to a Kwadran, so please wait, Colonel.”

Until next time, purr. (That’s Iranian-cat-talk for arrogant satisfaction.)