Jealous Haters’ Book Club: Handbook For Mortals, Chapter 12 “The Sun” or “Art Imitates Life.”

Before we begin, I thought I should mention that when I took my hiatus to tech a show, it’s a show directed by someone who actually did work for Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas.

And I wear show blacks. Although, technically they’re just black leggings and a black dress because I’m a dresser and not climbing up scaffolding or anything like that.

Still, I thought you would all appreciate that.

Also, for our next selection, it’s gonna be a book about a writer who wins the lottery.

Heads up, there’s a racial slur in this recap and an examination of why Sarem feels she’s special and gets to use it.

The chapter opens with Zade walking down a hall at the theater.

Zeb caught me in the hall and put his hand up against the wall, creating an obstruction and keeping me from passing. He just stood there, staring into my eyes like I had lasers coming out of them or something.

Why would he stare directly into lasers?

“You aren’t ready for this; you should have been more prepared.”

I didn’t know what he meant and wasn’t sure how to respond, but had been really frustarted with how little he seemed to like me and how cold he was. I ignored his comments and went straight to the heart of what I had wanted to ask him ever since I had met him. “Why don’t you like me?”

This section really strikes at the heart of what makes this book boring and uninteresting. The author is more concerned with everyone loving the heroine, and that bleeds into the heroine being so self-absorbed that when an odd, standoffish character delivers a dire warning, she blows right past it. Instead of, “What are you talking about?” or “More prepared for what?”, the questions that would naturally follow, she jumps to, “Why don’t you like me?” And it’s a question she’s wanted to ask since they met. Meaning she is bewildered by the fact that this person did not like her on sight and did not react to her with the deference and enthusiasm she requires.

Zeb looked confused. “I never said I didn’t.”

Zeb is like, wait, did we jump ahead in the script? That doesn’t really follow my line.

“Some things don’t have to be said. You certainly act like you don’t.”

Zeb looked frustrated. “I just don’t think you take our craft seriously. I take it very seriously. You need to try harder. Really important things are at stake.”

What on earth is prompting this scene? The fact that she just spent her days off rehearsing a new illusion? The fact that all she really ever does is work? There’s no reason for this confrontation because there’s no evidence of any of this. If we’d had some scene where Zeb saw her goofing off with Jackson or something like that and then this happened, we could be like, “Okay, he only saw that one incident and he already didn’t like her, this makes sense.” Instead, it’s like out of the blue, aggressive, impeding her progress down a hallway by physically blocking and intimidating her. It makes absolutely no sense for things to have escalated to this point with a character we rarely see, especially with no inciting incident.

Zode asks if Zeb will help her…I don’t know. Try harder? Take the craft seriously? Is that something you can teach?

I had learned that when someone has an issue with the way you do something, asking them to help teach you what you’re missing is the fastest way to get them to feel better about it.

Just pretend you’re interested in improving yourself and your skills. That’ll get people off your back without you having to do anything.

Zeb contemplated my question before he replied. “Maybe. I’ll think about it. If I see real effort from you, I’ll consider it.”

Real effort like coming in on her days off to work extra? This conversation doesn’t make sense since we’ve been told over and over again how much Zide Lod works and how dedicated she is to her craft. Plus, what is he going to help her with? Like I said above, it’s not like he can help her be more serious or try harder. Those things are totally out of his control. There was no specific grievance here.

Zeb leaves and the interaction ends. Now, it might be pointless. It’s a real dice roll with any of the scenes in this book as to whether they’ll come up later. But if it isn’t pointless and this scene does come up later, it’s going to be in such a way that we’re going to look back and go, “Wow, that was an incredibly clumsy and obvious setup, considering there was no reason for that scene in the first place.”

I was tired and in thought over my odd interaction with Zeb, which caused me to walk very slowly–so slowly in fact that had I been walking any slower I’d just not have been moving at all.

Zani can’t think and walk at the same time. That checks out.

She hears someone singing in the wardrobe room:

I couldn’t quite recognize the voice, but knew it sounded familiar. It sounded like she was singing along to the radio and she sounded better than the artist actually singing it. I stopped short of entering the room and snuck just enough of a glance to see who had the amazing pipes.

You’re not going to believe who it is.

Okay, you’re going to guess who it is, because there’s really only one named female character in the book we’ve seen or thought about in chapters.

Sofia was the only one in the room. She was half dressed, with her back to the door, and was singing her heart out, apparently while waiting on one of the wardrobe girls to return with her costume. I waited for her to finish the song; she sounded so good that I really just wanted to hear her sing.

A lot about this book has surprised me, but this absolutely flattens me. Is this praise for Sofia? Really?

My first thought was to turn around and walk away, but after my confrontation with Zeb, something stronger in me just wanted to talk to her.

Wait… is Zimba into Sofia? Because it sounds kind of like she might be.

“Wow, Sofie. I didn’t know you could sing.” I made my sure my comment sounded as sincere as I could; I didn’t want her to think for even a second that I was being saracastic.

Why would she ever think that?

Sofia tells Zirt that there are lots of things she can do that Zart doesn’t know about.

I thought about snapping back at her, and a few really great replies popped into my head.

I can assure you that they were not great.

I quickly pushed out those clever-but-mean thoughts and chose to be the bigger person.

God, it’s like the author is retroactively passive-aggressively scolding me through the pages she’d already written.

“I don’t doubt that at all. I can tell how talented you are.” I smiled. I decided that I was not stooping to her level, no matter what she said to me.

Yeah, be a good person out of spite! That’ll get you places!

“Aw shucks, I bet you want to give me a nickname now, huh?” *Bats eyes, produces a lace parasol out of nowhere like a real southern lady*

Jackson’s eyes twinkled

Finally.

“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” he declared. “You can plow into me any time. You are my favorite hurricane.”

Calling someone ‘The Hurricane’ counts as a good time to you?
Plows are for snow.
Hurricanes are rainy.
Lani Sarem isn’t good at metaphors.

Jackson moved in a bit closer to me. I was now almost pushed up against the wall. Jackson pressed his left hand against the wall. He had me almost pinned and was looking right at me.

Are you sure he wasn’t almost looking right at you? And can you tell us exactly how the wall is involved in his looking at you?

But this almost romantic almost almost wall wall is interrupted by the arrival of a small child who wants Lani’s autograph:

She threw her arms arouund my neck. “I want to be you when I grow up.”

There are times when the self-aggrandizing fantasy of this book is so specific and pointed that I almost feel bad for Sarem.

It passes quickly.

When the kid leaves, Jackson asks Liver why she’s at the theater so early, and she tells him she’s been working on the new illusion.

“I don’t mind, really,” I clarified. “I like being here early. Keeps me focused.”

Jackson studied me. “You take your work really seriously. I like that about you.” He nodded.

So, you know in that earlier scene where Zeb tells Liaper Zag that she needs to take things more seriously? There’s not a point in that conversation where she asserts that she does take her work seriously, or where she even refutes that charge internally. She doesn’t think, “That’s not true, and a lot of people have said so,” or anything like that. But now, Jackson is saying it. Why? Because the reader needs to be reminded that a flaw someone pointed out about Zeaf Lile is not true. The chapter cannot end without someone coming to her aid and rescuing her from criticism.

“You know what they say? Surround yourself with people that take their work seriously, but not themselves.”

I have shocking news for you about your author, Lando.

I loved quotes and sayings. I had one for almost every situation and I could rattle them off all day. I guess it made me feel like I could always comment on something without sounding dumb.

It’s not working.

Of Jackson, Zert thinks:

Charm just flowed out of him the way most people sweat in the sun on a hot August day in Tennesee.

Ah, yes, nothing speaks to the brutal hotness of a dude than comparing his charm to excessive perspiration.

Obviously, this claim of Jackson’s alleged charm is backed up by evidence, right?

Of course not! Instead, we get a lesson in regional climate:

It got hot in Vegas, like 124 degrees hot, but it was a dry heat and let me tell you it was not as sweltering as a humid ninety degrees in Tennessee. You will sweat buckets without even lifting a finger the moment you step outside.

That’s nice information to have, I guess, but it doesn’t belong directly in the middle of a dialogue exchange that has nothing to do with the weather.

They go their separate ways, but:

Somehow I just knew that Jackson would still be standing there watching me walk away. I locked eyes with him. Most people probably would have been embarrassed to be caught like that but if he was he didn’t show it. He simply smiled and waved at me.

WTF did you expect him to do, whip his dick out and start tugging right there in the middle of the casino?

I then turned around and disappeared out of sight.

POV skew. You don’t know what he can and can’t see.

So, that was this chapter. Something kind of happened in it, at least.