Partial Pandas & Sorority Shrimp

(Hi, I’m non-essential. You?)

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It’s here.

It actually happened. It began Friday at midnight: the dreaded, end-of-all-life-on-Earth “government shutdown.” Gnash. Wail. Rend garments. It’s here.

I thought I’d better let you know, so you don’t run out for Chinese food and miss that whole “end of mankind” thing.

Yes, exactly one year after President Donald Hashtag took office and singlehandedly infected the mainstream media with projectile hatred, the nearly entire federal government a...