I’ve Never Been an Underdog — Still Dealing With Expectations

Functioning when you’re supposed to win.

My life doesn’t start off with struggle. Yes, I was born in Trinidad where, on occasion, we had to walk to get our water. And yes when my mother moved her three sons to Toronto, we lived in government housing. Those are all facts.

But I can’t remember a time in my life where I was made to feel that I could not succeed. Much more than that, I was expected to succeed. My mother would not let us use our environment as an excuse. She set that tone and it seemed like everyone else in my life bestowed that same expectation.

I’ve written about this before. About being a youngster and following in my older brother’s footsteps. As a quick summary, my brother was a gifted student who earned a football scholarship to Stanford University before moving on to play pro football for the Seattle Seahawks. Umm, yeah, he killed it.

That was the atmosphere throughout my adolescent and early college years. And though I no longer feel burdened by that shadow, I still feel the pressure of operating from the perspective of someone who is expected to succeed.

The Psychology

What happens when you tell a black kid he can do anything he dreams of? He shrugs his shoulders and says “whatever.” What happens when that same black kid has someone in his own life that has lived out their dreams? Well, he starts expecting his own dreams to come true. Not wishing, but expecting.

I was in seventh grade when my brother got his first recruitment letter. From that day on, I operated under the mindset that anything is possible. I didn’t just say it, my mother didn’t drill it into my head, I witnessed it, felt it, and just instinctively believed it was true.

Fast forward to today and those same feelings remain with me. I expected to be a full-time writer. I expected to write and publish books. But the struggle with me comes when the outcomes of my endeavours don’t match up to my personal expectations.

It’s odd because I think I’ve created this illusion in which I really feel like everyone around me is watching and judging my every move. It’s like I feel the eyes and energy of everyone I’ve ever grown up with or come in contact with. I sense them waiting for something outstanding to happen and the weight of that expectation fucks with my mind.

I know this is all in my head. My logical mind is telling me to relax because there’s actually no one sitting at home day and night with some kind of stopwatch waiting for me to reach some imagined level of expectation. It’s ridiculous. Trust me, I know.

But that’s what I believe. A lifetime of being that person who everyone expects to be the best has cultivated this kind of belief. A lifetime of my own expectations has injected this into my being. I’m no longer chasing the shadow of my brother, but I have this image of who I’m supposed to be and where I’m supposed to be and it hasn’t happened yet. Because it hasn’t happened, the anxiety that comes with making it happen can be excruciating.

So what now?

I’m not sure. I ask myself this question every morning: “What are you gonna do today, Kern?” In my prayers, I let God know that I’m ready for whatever he has in store for me. I tell God exactly what I want and say that I’ll only get there through our joint perserverance.

I also do a lot of ignoring of all the amazing things I’ve accomplished throughout my life and career. Raising an intelligent, happy, beautiful daughter, forging a successful writing career, and being a mentor to others and showing them how to exist in this online world. None of that matters to me. I mean, on my worst days, none of those things matter to me. I expect more. I expect to be a perfect parent, a blazing literary star, and a mentor to millions. Is that ridiculous?

Whether it is or not doesn’t really matter because it’s my perspective. And perspective is reality, regardless of how outlandish that perspective might be. Who I’m supposed to be trumps who I am every time. Good or bad, right or wrong, the pressure I put on myself to succeed is born from the notion that I should be successful.

Will I Ever Be Satisfied?

Yes. That’s the short answer. Despite everything I’ve said, I really do believe that I will reach a point where I can spread my arms, fall back on my bed and say, “Finally.” Maybe another obsession will take over my life after that happens, but I know there’s a finish line to this part of my dream, just as sure as I know I’ll get there. Nothing else will do.

CRY

I’ve Never Been an Underdog — Still Dealing With Expectations was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.