My life didn’t take the path I expected and that’s okay. I think. #ExpatLife #AmWriting

I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to go to law school. In fact, I remember checking out legal tomes from the library when I was in elementary school. I didn’t understand a word written, I just loved holding those books (and maybe also smelling them). I was going to be a lawyer to save the world. I had no idea how a lawyer would save the world, but I was going to fight for right and justice.

[image error]I figured out how I was going to fight for justice in the 1990s. I had visited Yugoslavia in 1990 while dating a German Croat, a man I was convinced was the one, and thus was emotionally invested in the break-up of the country. Then, while I was in the U.S. Army from 1991 – 1996, I had several close encounters with the Yugoslav wars. When the International Criminal Tribunal for the Former Yugoslavia (ICTY) was formed and established in The Hague, I knew that’s where I was going to work. After all, I’d already planned to move to The Netherlands with my Dutch husband.

Things didn’t turn out that way. Although I was one of the lucky few who actually received a reply to their application to work at the tribunal, I was told I’d have to work for free if I wanted to get my foot in the door. Eek! At the time, I wasn’t prepared to do that. We still moved to The Netherlands, and I continued to investigate ways to ‘save the world’, but, slowly, I let that dream die. I was already thirty, and I was making good money. I would have to start over if I wanted to work at one of the various tribunals or non-governmental organizations in The Netherlands. I wasn’t prepared to do that.

[image error]But then I found myself closer to forty than thirty and wishing I hadn’t given up on my dreams with such ease. I was miserable as a corporate IT lawyer. I started a search to reinvent myself. I took various classes outside the law and diligently scoured want ads. I even wrote a novel during a six-month self-imposed sabbatical. In the end, I emerged a Bed & Breakfast owner. That didn’t last long before I started writing full-time. But this story isn’t about my journey to become a writer. No, this is my journey to accept the fact that I’m not going to change the world through my legal skills.

[image error]I’ve recently been confronted with my decision to give up on a career in the international criminal field on several occasions. I’ve toured the International Criminal Court, as well as the ICTY. On top of that, one of my friends who used to work as a lawyer at the ICTY regaled us with stories of her time there after a few too many wines on Thanksgiving.

I admit that I was a more than a bit depressed (and jealous!) that my life hadn’t taken the path I had initially planned. I envisioned myself cross-examining witnesses with finesse while bringing murders to justice. The depression hit me hard then. I forced myself to scrutinize the situation and asked myself this question: Would I have been happy?

The brutally honest answer is no. Because law, no matter which type of law you practice, involves a lot of the same elements: hours and hours of painstaking legal research, sifting through documents with a fine-tooth comb, unreasonable deadlines that have you losing sleep night after night, and the stress of getting it all done within those deadlines. I had to admit to myself that, despite my love of the law (I’m the only person I know who LOVED law school), being a lawyer is not for me – even if it is as an international criminal lawyer who puts away monsters.

Even after accepting this truth, there’s one thing that bothers me: I want to leave the world a better place when I die. Although there’s value in entertaining readers (at least I hope they’re entertained!) with my books, that doesn’t make the world a better place. Thus, I’ve decided to accept that my life didn’t take the path I thought it would with one caveat: I will find a way to make things better. Whether that’s by working for a local charity or being more involved in philanthropic work, I’ll just have to figure out.

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