Nah Not Today

Back to the old grindstone. I guess that's what it's called, though for me the old grindstone is a Macbook. I don't know if that makes me more preppy or hipster, but I know it eats up more than a weeks pay at my day job, but who needs electricity or heating anyway? As long as I have a cellphone plan, a Kindle, and a little Netflix every night before bed the rest of life just falls into place.

Kinda funny how living the life of a "bum" today would be living the life of an elite only a couple decades ago. I use bum loosely here, and more in the sense of an insult than someone's actual social class. For example this asshole at the movie theater tonight who couldn't stop talking to his family while I was trying to enjoy Wonder is a bum, even though I caught a glimpse of his Rolex when I turned around to shush him.

As for me, I'm the bum who thought he was destined for great things, because in our heads we are always the heroes who win, but now feel like I'm growing up to be the loser in high school everyone imagined me to be. Sorta sucks, sorta liberating, but mostly sucks. I mean you can say you don't care what other people think in the mirror a million times and it would just be a million lies. Sure some people find that elusive enlightenment that makes words bounce off them as easily as rubber on concrete, but for the rest of us mere mortals, even the slightest giggle in our direction makes our skin crawl.

I write cause it's my passion; I just wanna make that clear before I go on joking about a bunch of other reasons I write because I know they're coming, but in reality I would not have started this journey of an unsuccessful and mostly anonymous life if it wasn't for the love of it; because despite what our favorite authors make us believe is possible, for the most part just becoming a middle-class author is considered the greatest achievement we can hope for.

At least that's where I'm at now. No delusions of grandeur or prophecies of greatness. It's not that I'll ever stop striving for it but fuck it's tough to truly believe you're gonna be that generational talent. After all that's one of the only ways to make people outside of the literary world care. Either break down the walls of commercial success or literary success.

My first full length novel is complete. It's over 60 thousand words and action packed so I know at the very least no one will be bored while reading it. It sucks at the moment but once I rewrite it I'm sure it'll become readable.

Until that time I have a novelette I hope to put out, which is a satire on electronics controlling our lives; I know it's not very original but it's a story that never gets old.

I also began working on my second full length novel, which to be honest doesn't have much direction yet. I have three characters who are getting extremely fleshed out and the novel is practically writing itself. I had a general idea and just ran with it. I'm also focusing on not being so purple with my prose. When I find myself going on for over a paragraph about the loneliness of a character's existence, I either introduce an action, dialogue, or a new character.

It's funny, one of my favorite smaller characters at the moment is the estranged mother of one of the main characters. She started off with no voice whatsoever but is now sort of turning into Sheila Jackson from Shameless, except with way more direct anger towards her son.

I'm grinning as I'm telling you about this. That's why I know I'll always be a writer no matter what, it's what I truly love to do. If only I were better at it or writing scripts. If I were rubbing elbows with A-listers it wouldn't matter how shitty my writing is, high school throwbacks would think I was the shit. Unfortunately that's the lens I see my life through at the moment; what would the old gang from high school think. I check in on them from time to time (as do my characters in this new book) just to see how I measure up. I'm far from the bottom but fuck I feel far from the top too. If I can't even be the coolest person at the reunion, how can I be the coolest person in history? Probably should start with a wardrobe change, maybe just buy one suit lol.

This whole perspective thing is a real piece of work. You could be having the worst day of your life, look down at that sirloin you're about to eat and realize no matter what it'll never get that bad; then you just feel like shit for having a complaint in your life because it's so easy to find someone worse off. For the most part, our events are the greatest experiences in our households, mean very little to our neighbors, less to our city, and statistically non-existent in the world. It's reminders like these to not take life so seriously that opens me to the possibility and opportunity of pursuing my passion and saying fuck off to those memories of the kids from high school who may be looking at my facebook profile and laughing cause I'm not currently paying my dues for some fortune 500 company or starting a small business.

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." -Elbert Hubbard