There’s something I haven’t told you…

I am about to share something that I haven’t told you before. I’m actually scared shitless to tell you. I don’t know why, because at the end of the day we all go through things in our life that are hard. I guess the reason I’m scared to share this with you is because I feel you’re going to think that I’m a fraud. A fraud wellness expert. Because how could a wellness expert be going through something like this?

But as I sit here at my computer doing last minute things before heading out to Africa tomorrow I have realized that I am really sad. I’m sad because I’m not fully in the moment of being excited to go. And the reason is because my body is not healthy. And it hasn’t been for a while. Two years actually.

So what’s wrong?

I have candida. Okay wow. I said it. Some of you are going to know what that is. And others are going to immediately go google. If you have been through this, then you know what a complete life altering thing it is to have.

What prompted this post was that my friend who is staying with me just came and asked if I am ready and all packed for my flight tomorrow. I said yes I’m packed, but not excited yet. Because how can you be excited when your body is literally screaming at you from the inside that it is suffering? It is inflamed. I am bloated, gaining weight, have yeast over growth and and constantly low on energy. My whole body is affected. He asked if I am in pain. I said no, but that I almost wish I was because with pain, you can take something for it. Candida- you cannot.

I’m stuck in this hell of having tried just about everything. I’ve been on more antibiotics than seems humanly possible over the past two years. The doctors take swabs, I get tests done and they always come back that I need another dose. I’ve paid a lot of money for a top notch nutritionist/ functional medicine doctor who also did more tests and put me on natural medication. Well, two rounds of that and nothing. I’ve cut out fruit, I’ve cut out dairy, I’ve stopped having desserts and reduced my alcohol intake. I’ve increased my sleep, meditation, and green vegetables. I’ve been on more natural medicine, oil of oregano, essential oil mixtures, and just about everything else.

The thing about candida is that is not an easy thing to fix. Some doctors out there say you need to cut out ALL sugar, including fruits and limit your diet to a paleo based one, while others say vegan is the way to go and natural fruits are good. Well, I don’t eat meat that often and grains are a no-go on a candida diet. So I haven’t gotten too strict on this end because without results that I know will work, why go that crazy.

I never believed in candida. I honestly thought it was a rich person’s made up disease. I laughed when I read about what it was thinking that it was something that affected people who were too stressed and needed to chill out. Well, dearest Nikki, you got it because you were too damn stressed. The short of it is that I went through a pretty bad breakup, which is a story for another day, and what came from that was more stress than I thought possible. I was stressed a lot in the relationship, and even more so afterwards, once my body came out of shock. I suddenly felt alone and my pH balance went off. I thought it was just a yeast infection and so came the first round of antibiotics… then the second… and third… and here we are today.

I’m sad. I’m really sad. It’s affected my dating life. It’s affected the clothes I wear. It’s affected my self confidence. But what you see on social media is a girl who is clearly confident. Nothing wrong. And it’s affecting my excitement and happiness about going to Africa to go volunteer for the next 17 days.

This isn’t meant to be a sob story though. It’s not meant to be anything other than I am sharing something that TERRIFIES ME. But I am thinking about it in a different way too. Maybe, just maybe, me sharing this will make you realize you’re not alone in crazy weird body issues. Maybe you have had it, or have it now. Or that you are going through something else that you have been too scared to share. I will say though, sharing this and pressing the POST button is terrifying me. I don’t want to do it. But I will. Because this is a secret that I am tired of keeping.

So with that, I am asking for help. If you have had something work for this I would LOVE to know. Because I’m tired of fighting this alone. Please leave a comment below if you have any suggestions, or if this extreme sharing session helped you in some way!

Tons of love,

Nikki

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