Simply Weary

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There are some days I just feel like throwing open my front door and go screaming out into the night and run until I can’t run anymore. I have been having these days here lately and I am plum worn out mentally, physically, spiritually, and my heart is very heavy at the moment.

I know I’m not alone and yes, I know things could be so much worse, I get that, I do but no matter how hard I seem to try to make my life ocean calm, it whips up and smacks me under its current and drags me along like a rag doll. When I do come up for air, which seems rare these days, it is everything I can do just to get one gulp of oxygen before I’m pulled back under again. I know I’m not alone, I know you all feel the same way some days.

Some would call this life and yes, it is life, but man, not only is this life ocean cold, its rough, unforgiving, and just downright mean right now. I want calm water, toes in the sand, and the sun on my face kind of life weather right now, but no, that’s not in my cards evidently.

You may ask, “Well, crazy blog lady, what in the world is going on?” So, I’ll tell you, so here it goes.

I have a blended family and the reason for the word blend, to begin with, is that more than likely there was a divorce involved. And if this is your scenario, you understand that sometimes folks promise one thing and then do another, right in front of your two kids on a Friday afternoon when you’ve gone back under your life ocean already. So, after you have opened the door to this new unfolding, you now feel your knees and belly are scraping the sandy bottom, tearing your skin right up and now your kids are down there with you. So, not only do you have to save their lives, you have to try and save your’s too but that in and of itself is a challenge as you are already short of breath and drowning.

The aftermath of promises broken causes panic and anxiety in your children and as you make another counseling appointment trying to fix the wrongs done to them after they have fallen apart in your arms tearful, confused, and asking why, again and again, your heart rips out of your chest as you scrape the ocean bottom and you feel as if a break down is in your near future. You also form an ulcer in your stomach about the mental well-being of your children that you have worked so hard at raising only to be pulled under over and over again and now they are down there with you too. It sux.

Throw in an unlocked prison school with the powers that be scared themselves because their hands are tied, guns, drugs, a cultural war, gangs, and a system freaking out having made poor decisions, then you have to make additional decisions while under water, to pull her out of school as she feels scared, anxious, and spent.

Yes, I am now homeschooling my daughter to keep her safe and although I know it is the right thing, I find myself overwhelmed yet again.

You know what happens when emotional stress, money worries, and feeling like you may go mad does to your immunity?

I was sick all last week to boot and when I don’t work, I don’t get paid. Some think I am rolling in all kinds of money but that is the most laughable thing in the world to me as I scrape by each month.

You see, I run my business from the heart and not in a cutthroat greedy manner as some have chosen to do, no, I cut folks a break all of the time and often see kids for free. That’s just how I roll and I refuse to turn a kid or family away who is struggling financially as I know what it feels like. I fight with debt daily as I have had to pay for 90% of my kid’s needs myself including 2 cars, 2 car insurances, clothes, gas, food, dances, haircuts, nails for the dances, dinner birthday parties with friends, car repair, medical bills, baseball, sororities, Young Life camps, make-up, counseling for both of them, a couple of surgeries, vacations, homeschool, books for homeschool, etc, etc, etc. It ain’t cheap, I’ll tell you that straight off.

My kids and I are in an ocean life that could be so much better if certain individuals would follow-through, do the right thing, and act like they give a damn. Boy, that would make my kids so happy. The band-aids that are being stuck on over and over again are coming off quite easily in the turbulent life ocean that we are all in. The band-aids don’t work, they just don’t.

And if all of this isn’t enough, there is another side to my tale. Another side that is part of this blended family and again, individuals who shove folks down into that cold ocean because of the life choices that they have made selfishly and with little regard to the aftermath it may cause. Its bad enough that me and my kids have to deal with it, but now my other half is in this ocean with me. We are all drowning, scrapping our flesh right off, and praying for oxygen. The biggest most troubling thing in this is watching our kids faces, seeing the pain, anxiety, worry, and sadness. But no, this is not seen by some, so they carry on slapping us and the kids with waves while they continue to wreak havoc on other people’s lives because of their selfish and pathetic behaviors.

Carry on, oh yes, by all means, carry on, because me and the Professor have got this and we WILL NEVER GIVE UP because you know what, with struggle comes strength and as we navigate these waters with each other and the kids, we are becoming quite strong!

Love y’all!!