My very first blog post on here was one in which I asked if I should get a Twitter account (actually it was an excuse to use old, stale facebook posts as filler rather than coming up with something fresh, but let's not split hairs). Shortly after that post, I got a Twitter acount and, since I can use the posts from it here as filler, I thought I'd do just that.

If you'd like these kind of gems clogging your twitter, you can follow me @garyhoover1

I just realized that no matter how hard I work, or what I accomplish, I'll never be as loved as William Shatner . . . cool, no more pressure

I wonder if Queen Elizabeth ever screams: "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" just to mess with people . . . 'cause I know I would.

Wouldn't it be awful to be driving home smelling delicious barbecue . . . only to find someone had been killed in a tragic house-fire?

I want my tombstone to say: "Well, at least it wasn't auto-erotic asphyxiation" . . . that'll fool them.

Chuck Norris would have shot Greedo first . . . and then he would have shot George Lucas before he had the chance to %#$%@ edit it.

I think the line between having a healthy interest in something and being a nut is crossed when you start wearing costumes.

The 28th rule of Fight Club is: "You do NOT motorboat Meatloaf's tits."

Want to get rich? Don't write a book. Do something less degrading with more demand and less supply. Like prostitution.

You know those "Where's George" dollar bills? Am I the only one who always logs in and enters strip clubs?

I'm convinced that, with proper care, boxer-shorts can last 20 years. . . though my wife might argue that point.

You can now get all of your ICONIC GAGA MOMENTS on X-Finity . . . does anyone else see anything wrong with that statement?

Am I the only one who likes taking off my shoes, shirt etc. and relaxing in nothing but my boxers? I won't be going back to that restaurant

When Superman farts, it must be tough to try to blame the guy who didn't just blow a hole in the wall.

I think Abraham Lincoln was the first and last man to wear a beard without a mustache and not look like a tool.

Does it make me homophobic if I'm reluctant to eat white asparagus because they look so much like little penises? Is black asparagus bigger?

Note to self: Putting a black bra on my head and talking like Mickey Mouse doesn't seem to put the wife in the mood.

Everybody who doesn't smell like a long-dead and decaying wildebeast, raise your hand. . . Not so fast guy on the treadmill next to me.

I rationalize eating fries in the car with the belief that grease and salt help me grip the wheel-Like rosin helps a pitcher grip a baseball

Radio Dr.: "I've treated 10,000 men with erectile dysfunction." Cool! My Dr. doesn't need a boner. Not sure why he's bragging though.

Not sure if it's really cool or sort of sad that the supervisor setting up the toilet paper display thinks what he's doing is so important.

When dementia comes, I hope I’ll be strolling through candy forests…but I’ll probably attending to Fatty Arbuckle’s personal hygiene.

Just saw a kid in a Malibu race a kid in a Ford Fusion. It was the Special Olympics of street-drag.

Han saves Luke twice, then when Luke saves Han from Jabba, Han says: "Now I owe you 1". No. Luke still owes 1. Space pirates can't do math.

Apparently the lollipops at the bank are for anyone . . . or the teller was afraid to say anything after I popped one in my mouth.

When someone says: "No pun intended", are they really saying: "Look how clever I was to notice this could have a double meaning"?

If you collect all of Superman's toenail clippings and combine them to make invincible body armor, that would be really cool...but gross

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the evil twin and in some alternate universe there's a nicer, clean-shaven version of me.

And the one I'll post to promote this: "Am I the first person to tag a single blog with wildebeast, Meatloaf's tits and erectile dysfunction?"

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message 1: by Connie (new)

Connie I have been laughing all morning reading this! You crack me up! I hope my husband made a note of the black bra failure. Although, Mickey is quite sexy in an animated sort of way...

message 2: by Paddy (new)

Paddy O'callaghan You should go into stand-ip comedy mate, Brilliant

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