Secrets of Success: 30 Lessons Learned in 30 Years of Marriage
Thirty years this month. That’s how long my husband and I have been married. Pledging my life and love to him was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Except for those rare instances when he’s driving me crazy (or I him), we’ve been supremely happy together.
People sometimes assume that our happiness is what keeps us together, when actually the opposite is true: Staying together is what keeps us happy. For us, there is no Plan B. We’re going to make this marriage work or die trying.
Studies show that couples with that sort of determination and commitment tend to fare better than couples who are ready to bail if things don’t work out.
In a culture steeped in romantic comedies and Disney fairytales, it is easy to enter marriage with unrealistic expectations. The secret to success is laying all those expectations aside and, by the grace of God, making the most of the reality with which you’re presented.
Your prince doesn’t have to carry you off on a white charger to a castle in the clouds; if you know where to look, you can find marital bliss just as readily within the walls of a shabby little apartment in a neighborhood full of drug dealers and topless dancers.
That’s one of the first things I learned as a new wife. In no particular order, here are some of the other lessons 30 years of marriage has taught me:
30 Secrets to Success in Marriage
Apologizing is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength.
Whoever said, “Love means never HAVING to say you’re sorry” probably didn’t stay married for long. If you’re wise, you’ll apologize as soon as you realize you’ve done or said something that hurt your spouse. Love means never HESITATING to say you’re sorry.
Men think differently than women.
Thinking differently isn’t a necessarily a bad thing — in fact, a contrasting perspective is often quite helpful — but the fact that our brains are wired so differently does take a little getting used to. And while you should work on communication skills so your spouse will better understand your point of view, trying to force him to adopt it is an exercise in futility.
Build each other up; don’t tear each other down.
You nurture your marriage by choosing to speak words of encouragement and affirmation. (1 Thess. 5:11) This is true whether you’re talking to your spouse directly or talking with friends behind his back. Ditch the critical spirit that cuts others down to size, as it will tear your marriage apart, as well.
Dirty dishes don’t wash themselves.
My parents didn’t require me to help much with kitchen chores growing up, so it was a bit of a shock when I got married and the dirty dishes didn’t magically disappear from my new sink overnight like they’d always done back home. I quickly discovered that keeping a spotless kitchen takes a lot of work — and so does maintaining a happy marriage.
Sometimes my way ISN’T the best way.
Even as early as kindergarten, I was convinced I knew the best way to do everything. This is reflected in the fact my K-5 teacher repeatedly docked my conduct grade several letters because I was “too bossy” with the other children. Such bossiness would not have boded well for a successful marriage, so it’s a good thing I eventually learned that other people (including my husband) can come up with pretty smart ideas, too. Sometimes, his way of doing a particular task is far superior to mine, although it means swallowing my pride to admit it.
Stop waiting for the “perfect time.”
I understand the desire to make wise, responsible decisions, but if you refuse to get married or have a baby or buy a house or anything else until circumstances are ideal, you’re dooming yourself to a life of inaction. You will never have every duck in a row. While God’s sense of timing is perfect, ours is guesswork, at best. We must be willing to step out on faith and do important things, even when we don’t feel 100% ready for the challenge. (Prov. 3:5-6)
Marriage takes teamwork: tackle problems side by side.
Don’t lose sight of the fact that you and your spouse are on the same team. Through every hardship, every trial, you should be working together, not in opposition to each other. (Mark 10:7-9)
Nothing pretty ever grows in the soil of selfishness.
Big, nasty weeds with sharp, painful thorns and deep, gnarly roots: that’s what a life of selfishness and narcissism produces. God desires that we produce a crop of far more beautiful fruit — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23)– but He must amend our soil before that can happen. Marriage is one means by which He does it.
Think about what you say BEFORE you say it.
We should be quick to listen, but slow to speak. (James 1:17) Weigh your words and give them careful consideration, since there’s no taking them back once they leave your lips.
Don’t make big decisions when you are hungry, tired, or stressed.
Gather facts, discuss options, weigh the pros and cons, pray about the matter, yes, but whenever possible, sleep on it before making any major, life changing decisions. Clarity comes more easily in the light of morning, once you’re well-rested. (Psalm 127:2)
You can never pray too much!
That much should be obvious. After all, God commands us to “pray without ceasing.” (1 Thess. 5:17) But since my husband and I committed very early on to always pray together before times of intimacy, the phrase carries a double meaning for us: It also serves as a reminder that a married couple can never have too much sex. 
