Lessons Learned The Hard Way

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Often it seems the lessons we learn the best are the same ones that we learned the hardest. When I was in 4th grade there was a girl in my class named Tina*. Tina was ‘that kid’. You know, the kid who was strange and wore old clothes and smelled a little weird. Kids bullied her quite a lot. I never said anything. In 5th grade Tina was in my class again. She was still ‘weird’ and still bullied. But now she started to fight back. Now kids thought she was weird and mean. When students would yell names at her across the playground, she would run over to them and yell right back in their faces. I still didn’t say anything. Then in 6th grade Tina’s ‘weirdness’ went to a whole new level. She got caught eating the hamster food for our class pet. The other kids in our class were ruthless. This time I said something, but I was on the wrong side. I joined in the taunts and the gossip. Two weeks later Tina was gone. I found out from my friend who was her neighbor that she had been taken into foster care by child protective services; her parents had been abusing and neglecting her, including not giving her food. She was so hungry that she ate the class hamster’s food.

We never know why people are the way they are. As a child, I did not try to imagine what could be happening with Tina. I did not connect her new meanness to self defense or hunger. And it has become one of my biggest regrets. If I could go back and be a friend to Tina, I would. Wherever she is now, I hope she is well.

This story taught me to be vigilant…vigilant for unfairness, for bullying, and for isolation. It is easier to doubt that what is happening is ‘really that bad’ than it is to do something. It’s an attitude that I have seen when it comes to sexism, racism, and other harmful ‘isms’. It’s not that bad when some random man tells me to smile at the grocery store. It’s not that bad when a person of color gets pulled over for no good reason. It’s not that bad when your coworker tells a joke about rape or sexual violence.

But the truth is, all these ‘not that bad’ things add up to a lot of bad. We are all the product of our experiences. If those experiences, day after day, are discriminatory or degrading, what does that mean for our development as human beings? As a social group?

I’m tired of letting the little things slide. I’m tired of watching them add up to big things, like the alt-right rallies full of hatred and racism, that we are seeing, or the attacks on access to women’s health care (which, let’s be real, should just be called ‘healthcare’). We’re past ‘it’s not that bad’ now.

What experiences opened your eyes? What did you do about it? What are your suggestions of how to be involved now?

*Name has been changed to protect privacy