The Bachelor Australia Episode 1 – Return of the Meme

Well Die Hard Bachelor-watchers we’re back. Year Two.

The Bachelor 2017.

FYI – even QLD Police can’t believe it.

Let’s recap. Matty J made Top two in the Bachelorette last year and it ended with him making a sound like a drowning moose as his heart was stomped into the ground.




Apparently he’s decided to shake it off, just shake it off, by again exposing his abs- errr- heart on national television.


My predictions are someone will do one of the following;
1. Sing/dance/play an instrument
2. Police officer will attempt to arrest or carrying him (MICHELLE FTW)
3. A present that makes no sense
4. Awkward overshares of intimate personal details of their life waaaaay too early
5. Some kind of fitness thing like a push-up or yoga





HERE WE GO!


Recap
Lots of Matty J, now just Matty, standing on boats, in the ocean, jumping off things.


Would you say it’s Matty taking the…. Leap of Love??? 





Montage of girls saying THEY ARE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS! Well…





Geeze… warn a girl why dontcha…


Osher enters looking dapper in a black tux, reminding us that Matty is looking for love after Georgia chose the binary form of love and rejected my idea of a polygamous arrangement between the final two Bachelor’s last season. But now we have Matty and everyone is happy, so let us all hope that Matt isn’t another Richie.





^Seriously I don’t know if I can’t put up with another chocolate bath being the highlight of the season…


More of Matty splashing around a pool with his baby nephew, talking to his family -it’s all lovely BUT LET’S GET TO THE GOWN AND THE GIRLS!!!






Entrance
First up we have Alix 24, who is a body painter. She tells him that she gets an eye-twitch when nervous… is… is that a pick-up line these days? Is it a euphemism?





I mean it’s been a while since I’ve dated but… moving on…


Tara 27, is a nanny who dreams of talking for 5 hours without someone telling her to shut up. Aim high Tara, aim high! She then verbally word vomits all over Matty, ending with “Bye buddy, cya mate.”





Next is Laura 30, a jewellery designer who has sightly creepy eyes and wears a significant amount of rings. Matty is disappointed that she didn’t bring him a ring especially because she looks like Georgia Love from last season!



^Nope it’s Laura Of The Rings!


Up walks a woman holding helium balloons, it’s Cobie the coal plant operator and Matty proceed to suck the helium in (terrible for the lungs btw) trading jokes in high pitched voices. He likes it so points to her.


Simone, Elise, Monika, Laura-Ann (of the tingling ovaries – yes she said this to him), Elizabeth, Steph, Sharlene, Stacey (wearing her sash), Sian (pronounced Charn), and Jennifer are introduced in what can only be termed a squishy montage.





Meanwhile Natalie 26, Midwife has apparently been stalking Matty for instagram for 6 months. I say stalking because she says stalking. “I’ve only been stalking him for six months. Six months I’ve been stalking him… on instagram.”
Phew. Glad she added that in.



^Unless I say I’m a stalker then really… I am.


Natalie sees Matty through the limo window and immediately starts dry-reaching . Umm… She admits to stalking him. SERIOUSLY… WHY NOT CALL IT RESEARCH??!!!??
She pulls herself together enough to actually leave the vehicle only to tell him she’s stalked him… Awkies. She just said moist. MOIST. She keeps saying it. Like a lot. It’s all she can say at the moment.


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^Matty’s face. So uncomfortable.


She’s like the worst person on a first date and I LOVE IT!!! IT IS SOOOO BAD!!!!


OMG!!! TMI ALERT!! TOO MUCH INFO ALERT!!!


Miss Moist reveals that she decided to go on the Bachelor last year while she was in a relationship. They were watching the Bachelor and she saw Matty with his top off and decided that he was THE ONE for her.





WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!?? IS THIS SOMETHING PEOPLE DO THESE DAYS??? BREAK UP WITH THEIR GIRLFRIEND FOR A REALITY TV STAR???





Anyways who is nex-OMG!!! COP CAR!!! YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I TOTALLY CALLED THIS!!!!



Source: Channel Ten


Michelle has ARRIVED!!!
“I heard there was an emergency, I’m Constable Paxton.”
YAAASSSSS!!!! YASSS CONSTABLE!!! YASSSS!!!!!
OMG!!! HE ASKED HER TO ARREST HIM AND SHE DOES!!! YAAASSSSSS!!!!!!




ALL MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE!!!!! It’s like they reached into my brain and went, Kim, this is for you.


I LOVE IT!!!! SHE IS INTIMIDATING HER WAY TO THE TOP!!!!


Belinda 31, the love coach arrives and immediately places Matty’s hand on her “heart” for a minute without talking.





Her crazy eyes are pretty impressive. Matty is diplomatic but just awkwardly stands there staring at her not speaking while the clock counts down. We’re all feeling it Matt, we’re all feeling it. Finally, after the longest minute in history love coach introduces herself says her job and he’s diplomatic before sending her on her way.





Florence 27 is a brand manager who hands over a gift of clogs from her home country. As in the shoes…. is she trying to send him a message?


 
^Now I get it! The puns are totally worth it. Carry on.


OMG! Akoulina 27, is a gymnastic’s coach who arrives twirling ribbons and “has wrapped herself up to gift herself to him.”




She is just twirling that ribbon like a champ!


Lisa 24 is a student who is rather tall. Literally that’s her entrance. She’s rather tall. OK… Matty is giddy.


Leah 24 from Melbourne is wearing a dress that only a confident woman can pull off. Oh wait, it’s the same dress as another woman in the house only in black…




Though having now seen her entrance I think she may be the mean girl of this season.


Wait… that’s 21 girls? Where’s Elora?



Cocktail Party
Osher drops a PLOT TWIST, a Secret Garden where Matty J can have some alone time with a lady friend of his choosing each cocktail party! How convenient!


^Must. Pace. Euphemism. Usage.


Laura Of The Rings gets taken off to the first side date. It’s looking really cute but everyone comments on the fact she looks a lot like Georgia Love (of last seasons the heart-stomping) when the lights suddenly turn off and a firedancer enters. Elora has arrived! The girls are not pleased. Meanwhile I’m like…




The girls are seriously not pleased. So much displeasure. So much shade being thrown. They’re calling her an intruder.


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^MOAR!!!!


Elora is killing it with Matty – KILLING IT. The other other girls are not best pleased. ANNNNDDDD this is the moment they all realise it is a game and there is only one man for 22 women and they can’t be sister wives, despite all our wishes otherwise.





Girls are now interrupting others time with Matty, saying awful things, pulling each other down, and getting very very drunk.  SOMEONE SAID SOMEONE’S DRESS WAS PUTRID!





They’re now all eating popcorn while Jennifer cries about her dress being called putrid…. The girl who said it is saying that it was in reference to the 3 inches of mud on the bottom of said dress…
I…
They…




Seriously…


Episode One People. ONLY EPISODE ONE!!


OMG. “I don’t do drama,”  Jennifer says while she starts calling out Ms Moist for farting in the Bachelor Mansion. “Ladies don’t do that.”





Meanwhile, the actual object of this TV show whisks Lisa off to the Secret Garden to discuss things like how boy-ish she is while still being a girl.



^I…have no idea. Lisa’s teeth are really white tho.


Meanwhile, post-secret garden chat, we cut to inside the mansion where Michelle the cop is playing it cool, just sitting back, observing the crazy. Matty grabs a rose and whisks her away to hand her the first rose. “I feel we have a connection and I can be myself around you.”





PRAISE OSHER!!! WE HAVE A CONTENDER WHO IS AWESOME AND NOT CRAZY AND IS OVER 30!!! PRAISE OSHER!!!!


Rose Ceremony
We arrive on the altar of broken dreams and Osher gently reminds people that 21 of them don’t have a rose and the 2 whose name he doesn’t remember will be going home.


Matty chooses Lisa of the Secret Garden (so many Euphemisms so little time) to be safe.

Laura Of the Rings is safe.





Alix of the Body Paint safe
Elora of the Fire safe
Cobie the Coal safe
Elise, Tara, Simone, Laura-Anne, Akoulina, Leah (the mean girl), Florence, Stephanie, Natalie, and Belinda (Love Coach) are safe
Jennifer of the dress drama
Sharlene is safe.
It comes down to Elizabeth (the one who said the dress was putrid), Stacey (Miss V8) and Monika (who didn’t get featured at all) are on the chopping board.
Elizabeth is safe.
Monika and Stacey head home.


And so ends Episode 1. I can’t believe I agreed to do this. I’m already invested.
Well. Bring on the dates tomorrow night I guess!