The Bachelor Episode 2 – Date Night
We open tonight’s episode in the Mansion all casually lazing about having breakfast looking perfectly put together. It’s too early for this – they’ve clearly been in make-up since 5am. No one looks that good without a team of specialists.
Osher arrives looking like a squirrel has curled up and found a home on his head. He hands over a date card and Tara – this season’s commentator- reads it out. Single date goes to Elora the fire dancer.
The other girls are all…
Single Date
Elora strolls down a beach and meets Matty by a boat. They take off, cruising the seven seas, sipping OJ and discussing her fire twirling seduction dance. Matty admits that it worked.
They have sparks, I tell you, sparks!
Dolphins arrive to dance about the boat, they go for a swim, have a little snuggle, make some awkward jokes, do some product placement for polaroid cameras. It’s adorbs. ADORBS! I’m calling it. Elora – Top Five.
They leave the boat and head to a cuddle couch, where they have some witty banter. “What are you thinking?”
“No tell me what you’re thinking?”
“Tell me what you’re thinking?”
“I think what you’re thinking.”
Elora breaks the cycle with a hard hitter – “Is the bachelorette still in the season?”
Matty is gracious and says no. He wants only the best for her, but that he need to look forward to love, not back.
Elora says all the right things and wins herself an early rose!
Group Date
Meanwhile back at Girl HQ – the sister wives are feeling no love for Elora. They know she’s a contender.
A date card has arrived and the girls are frothing for it. Clue is “do you remember the first time you fell in love?”
Cobie, Liz (Putrid Dress comment), Cian, Laura Of The Rings, Flo, Tara, Simone, Miss Moist (Nat), Leah and Miss I-Don’t-Do-Drama-Jennifer all get to go on the group date. They are all SUPER HAPPY FOR EACH OTHER.
^Like just soooo totally happy for you!
Elora gets back to the house and decides not to share the intimate details of the date with the girls. I-Don’t-Do-Drama-Jennifer then starts causing drama by essentially bullying Elora into revealing things.
Seriously. Can’t we build each other up? Say no to mean girls!
We cut to the date and it’s suitably awkward as women get squeezed into tacky costumes and made to awkwardly pose for a photoshoot.
Anyways I-Don’t-Do-Drama-Jennifer decides to cause drama.
Matty’s all…
The producers will make her stick around for a few more episodes…
There’s more photoshoots and everyone plays nice up until the final one where Leah attempts to mack-on with Matty who pulls back and says, “Sorry, I just think it would be rude in front of the other girls.”
Seriously. He handled it like a sir. I mean… excluding the fact he’s dating 20 women… but still…
Single Date
Matty rocks up to the starving house with a basket of muffins – the women keep talking about the muffins instead of the Stud Muffin. I assume they are really are starving them.
The Muffin Man asks Lisa on a date – her teeth are distractingly white – but they go out in a classic car to a tennis club. They play a few rounds, flirt a little and she seals his fate with, “Matty is growing on me.”
^Which means Matty is on his way to the friends zone!
They somehow end up in a pool and joking about- again. Both of them look like they’re freezing, but she wins a rose.
Cocktail Party
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses
You been out wearing glittery dresses for so long now…
The claws are out and women are throwing themselves about the room at him. Elora is struggling to deal with the idea that he’s dating other women. Leah and Jennifer begin to circle.
Elora nopes out, grabs Matty and they go for a lovely chat. On return the Mean girls, Leah and Drama-Jen pounce on Elora and Simone it turns seriously nasty. Like I-don’t-watch-this-show-for-this nasty.
Drama-Jen “I’m going to get rid of those two.”
Ummm… actually not your choice. Actually Matty’s. That’s how this whole thing works.
Have you even watched the Bachelor? It’s like these people aren’t even trying.
Rose Ceremony
We’re at the altar of too much wine and really, do we even care right now? We know the producers will keep Leah and Drama-Jen around for the lols, despite what I wish.
^I’m feeling cynical right now. I need some more Michelle the police officer and some wholesome love scenes. I NEED TO BELIEVE IN THE LOVE AGAIN!!!
Osher reminds us that Elora and Lisa are safe. Tonight 17 roses are on offer, one will be going home.
Cobie is safe, oh top pick again. Dark horse?
Alix is safe.
Simone is good
Laura is safe.
Akoulina, Elise, Michelle, Cian, Elizabeth and Flo are all safe.
Steph is safe.
Tara is safe.
Jennifer is safe – REALLY MATT, REALLY PRODUCERS?? What kind of message are we sending to the women of Australia?!
Sharlene is safe
Belinda is safe
Natalie is safe
We’re down to the final two, it’s Leah the Mean girl and Laura-Ann. Surely it’s got to be Mean girl Leah going hom-
HE PICKS LEAH. HE CHOOSES LEAH OVER LAURA-ANN WHO HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!
Until next week. Ugh.
