A Lesson in Name-Calling

***Language Warning***

I found this in my inbox the other day from a gentleman across the pond, and it made me happier than I ever knew I could be. So I'm sharing it (with his permission).

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"You miserable, malevolent little shit-weasel. I've known some contemptible shitwads in my time, but by Christ you've somehow managed to top the list- and I haven't even clapped eyes on you (long may that continue!)

Thanks to you, you selfish, mouthbreathing jizzbag, I've missed TWO important meetings on TWO consecutive days and I fully expect you to compensate me for the distress, inconvenience, and black mark against my good name.

Your ridiculous novel, Poor Things, has kept me up until 3am two nights running, causing me to sleep through my alarm clock both times, resulting in my missing two morning appointments.

Now: when I go to bed at night I want to be able to read a dozen pages, then let the day's weariness overcome me and slip gently into a long, painless slumber. That way I wake up the following morning refreshed, rejuvenated even, mentally and physically prepared to tackle the coming day and all the misery and shit that comes with it.

But no; you had to go and write your stupid bastard book. Well thanks for fuck-all, you worthless pig's scrotum.

Even a scum-slobbering hack like you has to admit that the plot is, well, ridiculous. No no, really, it is- some weird giant underground creature gets it's eye poked out and only a rag-tag group of misfit adolescents can solve the mystery and save the world? Fucking behave.

But- your style of writing, the flow and construction, the way you use abstraction- well, it's good. Very good in fact. So good that I managed to completely ignore the naïve plotline, the stereotypical anti-hero heroes, and the glaringly obvious grand finale. (Also, I really like stories with bears in them, so that kinda helped.)

I'm not going to analyse the bugger page by page, because you're the one who wrote it so you should already know what its strengths and weaknesses are, and by now you'll have had plenty of other self-proclaimed literary experts do that for me.

Also, I can't be arsed. It's been read and enjoyed; why linger in the past, raking over the cooling embers? Crack on, says I; crack on to the next one.

And that's about as close as I'm willing to get to giving you a good review. Were you hoping for a smiley-face and a thumbs up? Tough shit. Life, my friend, is a shit sandwich, and on a good day- a very good day- you get a dollop of ketchup in your sandwich. This is my idea of ketchup. Enjoy.

Oh, and regarding my compensation for making me miss those appointments? Write more and send me your work. That, or get me a black bear cub. Either's good with me.

Take care, and keep writing."