Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 2
Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward with her young son. After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the past behind, forever.
Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world. His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad.
The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire, Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart, causing her to linger. When her past is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with only with her freedom but her son’s future.
The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly, WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19thcentury farces and is complete at 85,000 words.
The query with my crazy notes:
(Let me start by pointing out that you don't use indents in a query letter. :-) It kinds of throws me off a tad when the formatting is different so I imagine it might do that to an agent, too.)In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward (I'm not sure you need the direction unless we know where's she fleeing from.) with her young son. (I'd usually say to include the MC's name here, but given the plot, I think it works to leave it off for a sentence.) After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT (No need for caps here. You can do that in a synopsis, but not in a query.) and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s (This is the only hint that the real Anne is dead. Or does it mean her husband? Anyway it's sort of confusing. Maybe something like-- to benefit from her false in-laws?) in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the her past behind, forever. (Hoping more details of the accidental murder are provided below. Or if she has an actual husband.)
Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world (how? Details could make this more interesting.). His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature (Can you use an example that will show us. The way she refuses to wear skirts or sit demurely at tea parties but speaks her mind. Maybe she wants to march with suffragettes or something.) and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad. (I'm not sure mad is the right word. Something softer that doesn't imply insane as much. Batty? Loopy? Some slang from 1901? There's no clue who Warren is here. He could be her pretend father-in-law, though I suspect it's a brother-in-law. I just watched this same plot in a Branden Fraser move called Mrs. Winterbourne, only not set in 1901.)
The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire (I'm not sure what sort of rich family this is. Are they in industry? Farmers? Can you be more specific? What sort of assets is Warren managing?), Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren (Why? What about him appeals to her. Does he make her feel safe? Sees the person inside of her?) and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart (Some details of their quirkiness/nature would be helpful to help us form an attachment.) , causing her to linger. When her past (which is? We didn't really learn any more about why she is running or from whom.) is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with not only with her freedom but her son’s future.
The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly, WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19thcentury farces and is complete at 85,000 words.
I'll be blunt here and say that the query doesn't give me enough specific details to get attached and connect with Anne or Warren. It conveys the general idea and I understand the plot, but it doesn't make me care about them or how the story turns out because I don't feel it really gets to their personality. That could just be me and because I just watched a movie that's so similar.
Try adding an additional sentence to flesh out this accidental murder and how she happens to take Anne's place. I know in the movie it's a train wreck that lets her switch places with a dead woman. Give us more details from the story, more details of why they fall for each other, and I think you will grab the reader's attention more.
Good luck!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward with her young son. After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the past behind, forever.
Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world. His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad.
The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire, Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart, causing her to linger. When her past is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with only with her freedom but her son’s future.
The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly, WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19thcentury farces and is complete at 85,000 words.
The query with my crazy notes:
(Let me start by pointing out that you don't use indents in a query letter. :-) It kinds of throws me off a tad when the formatting is different so I imagine it might do that to an agent, too.)In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward (I'm not sure you need the direction unless we know where's she fleeing from.) with her young son. (I'd usually say to include the MC's name here, but given the plot, I think it works to leave it off for a sentence.) After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT (No need for caps here. You can do that in a synopsis, but not in a query.) and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s (This is the only hint that the real Anne is dead. Or does it mean her husband? Anyway it's sort of confusing. Maybe something like-- to benefit from her false in-laws?) in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the her past behind, forever. (Hoping more details of the accidental murder are provided below. Or if she has an actual husband.)
Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world (how? Details could make this more interesting.). His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature (Can you use an example that will show us. The way she refuses to wear skirts or sit demurely at tea parties but speaks her mind. Maybe she wants to march with suffragettes or something.) and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad. (I'm not sure mad is the right word. Something softer that doesn't imply insane as much. Batty? Loopy? Some slang from 1901? There's no clue who Warren is here. He could be her pretend father-in-law, though I suspect it's a brother-in-law. I just watched this same plot in a Branden Fraser move called Mrs. Winterbourne, only not set in 1901.)
The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire (I'm not sure what sort of rich family this is. Are they in industry? Farmers? Can you be more specific? What sort of assets is Warren managing?), Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren (Why? What about him appeals to her. Does he make her feel safe? Sees the person inside of her?) and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart (Some details of their quirkiness/nature would be helpful to help us form an attachment.) , causing her to linger. When her past (which is? We didn't really learn any more about why she is running or from whom.) is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with not only with her freedom but her son’s future.
The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly, WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19thcentury farces and is complete at 85,000 words.
I'll be blunt here and say that the query doesn't give me enough specific details to get attached and connect with Anne or Warren. It conveys the general idea and I understand the plot, but it doesn't make me care about them or how the story turns out because I don't feel it really gets to their personality. That could just be me and because I just watched a movie that's so similar.
Try adding an additional sentence to flesh out this accidental murder and how she happens to take Anne's place. I know in the movie it's a train wreck that lets her switch places with a dead woman. Give us more details from the story, more details of why they fall for each other, and I think you will grab the reader's attention more.
Good luck!
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