Till Debt Do Us Part
(Congress. Casey. Zombies. Czars. Lemonade. Only in America.)
The good news is the zombie invasion is over. The bad news is the Casey Anthony invasion is just getting started.
We'd have been better off with the zombies.
To be sure, I never saw it coming. But then, nobody else saw it coming, either. America still boasts legions of smart people, but they're all unemployed. We still have hordes of geniuses with a knack for de-complicating complex clues and discerning underlying patterns in chaos, like those pale, oddly-dressed clerks whose job it is to sit in dark cubicles and calculate your cable bill. But this year, all those smart people are out on the streets, fighting for the same six jobs sorting bolts at the local hardware store.
What we needed was a dedicated, focused, brain-intensive agency, along the lines of our bygone heroes, SETI (Search for Entertaining Television Idols) and NASA (Nee A Space Agency).
It's been a tough year to have brains. SETI, whose grand mission was to search for signs of intelligent life, stubbornly stuck to its agenda despite having a budget smaller than your average fifth-grader's illegal lemonade stand. But one slow weekend at the lab, somebody flipped the channel over to coverage of the Casey Anthony trial, and the "search for intelligent life" futility sunk in. Overwhelmed by the irony of it all, SETI giggled itself to death.
NASA, meanwhile, wrapped up three decades of miracles known as the Space Shuttle program and was rewarded for its efforts by having its utilities disconnected. NASA couldn't contribute to solving the zombie problem; our ex-NASA scientists have been relegated to scribbling at Sudoku while standing in line for their unemployment checks. They're hunkered down at home, hording MREs and Tang. Consider their history:
President Kennedy: NASA goes to the moon.
President Reagan: NASA builds a space station.
President Obama: NASA loses 18,000 jobs, is forced to scrabble up beer money by holding Muslim self-actualization seminars, and has to call Russia every time they need a ride to the store.
But now that the zombie crisis has passed, let's take a minute to point out some of the players, and review some of the clues that took us to the brink of disaster. Witness:
According to facts, decades of obscene spending finally caught up with Washington. According to Washington, somebody snuck into Congress' bedroom and stole all its money. According to Congress, America ran into a totally unexpected debt crisis because Wall Street rolled such a low number that we didn't pass "GO" and collect 200 (trillion) dollars. Outraged fingers pointed everywhere (else), fixing blame on everyone (else), including Republicans, Democrats, a Tea Party, a Tupperware Party, that little mustached guy from Monopoly, and George Bush.
Meanwhile, in an Orlando television recording stu…I mean, uh, courtroom, a Florida mother with fabulous teeth was acquitted of murder and other crimes when the defense proved that the deeds were actually committed by an imaginary Latino woman, and George Bush. Then, just after midnight, Casey Anthony and her teeth got out of prison. For some reason, this made her staggeringly famous, prompting television crews to track her every move, up to and including follicle activity and the generation of internal enzymes. Within an hour, she had inked a deal to star in a new TV show, "Dancing with America's Most Wanted."
The President flew to St. Louis and warned that he had to raise taxes (although he didn't want to); otherwise, there could be a horrible invasion of flesh-eating zombies, or worse, Republicans.
As America's debt limit deadline loomed, America's leadership took charge, as evidenced by a Republican, sitting next to the playground window, who shot a spitball across the classroom at a Democrat. The world financial markets cautiously gauged these mixed signals.
The President flew to Tucson and warned that the Tea Party had been selling lemonade, and stockpiling a zombie army, without a license.
Casey Anthony was spotted at the grand opening of a tattoo parlor in northern Georgia, where she selflessly offered to auction off her imagination to charity.
During a Texas Hold-Em game, Congress-person Sheila Jackson Lee held up a race card and began to speak to the press, but suddenly her hair collapsed, killing nine.
As America's debt limit deadline loomed, the President warned that America's debt limit deadline was looming.
Casey Anthony was spotted at an Omaha diner, eating a waffle that, according to locals, is the spitting image of Saint Patrick. No, wait. That was Elvis.
The President flew to Cleveland and warned that we only had a few days left, before the Tea Party started beheading everybody's Grandma and Republicans began cross-channeling toxic waste pipes into the national water supply. Sales of zombie-piercing bullets skyrocketed.
Casey Anthony accused a fictitious babysitter of showing up at her fictitious job and kidnapping her fictitious boyfriend. Alert officers questioned her testimony after she signed her name as "George Bush." Celebrity attorney Gloria Allred cited a "reality bias" and agreed to represent any and all people that don't exist.
Vice President Joe Biden gave an inspiring, profanity-laced commencement speech, pointing out that he'd managed to attain the office of Vice President despite his inability to grasp the simple concept of "open mike." Unfortunately, he had misread his daily schedule and gave the commencement speech to a roomful of undocumented eight-year-olds awaiting extradition for lemonade misdemeanors.
The President flew to Baltimore and signed an executive order granting in-state tuition to undocumented flesh-eating zombies.
As America's debt limit deadline loomed, a Democrat dipped a Republican's pigtail in an inkwell, and had to stay after class and write on the blackboard, 100 times, "I promise not to limit debate pertaining to the revenue-neutral out-years posited among any caucus during non-binding participatory proscriptive abrogation in the well of the Senate, or the lower intestine of the House, by invoking an obscure Title Nine parliamentary cloture, and I promise, each day, to floss."
Flesh-eating zombies were sighted outside a casino in Vegas. No, wait. That was Elvis.
Congress-person Sheila Jackson Lee introduced a bill decrying the entire Universe as racist, pointing out the obvious: there are no cosmic anomalies known as "white holes."
The President flew to Dallas, read a speech, smiled, waved and nodded knowingly. Joe Biden cursed for a while and then attended a ball game, where he misread his daily briefing and tried to lead the crowd in a heat wave.
As America's debt limit deadline loomed, a Democrat made a face at a Republican during Science class. The Republican responded by passing a folded note across the classroom that read, "U R a big stupid."
While initiating a tax audit on a Bethesda lemonade stand, Nancy Pelosi frightened a crowd of small children and was arrested for grinning without a license.
Congress-person Sheila Jackson Lee accused Bing Crosby of racism for his obviously intolerant rendition of "White Christmas." In a related story, the ACLU sued Bing Crosby for forcing the word "Christmas" on unsuspecting mall shoppers.
The President flew to Philadelphia and alleged that the Liberty Bell had been deliberately cracked by George Bush. He then warned senior citizens that Republicans wanted to take away their right to claim being killed more than once by a flesh-eating zombie as a "pre-existing condition."
The Cesar Chavez Memorial Orchard-Workers Union (Bing Cherries Local 411) sued Bing Crosby for copyright infringement. Undocumented zombie field laborers picketed, petitioning for universal post-mortem health coverage.
Casey Anthony was spotted at a Zombie Victim Anger Management seminar wearing nothing but a tattoo and a hat made of duct tape. No, wait. That was Joe Biden.
And then, in the eleventh hour, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner had a brilliant idea. He held a brief conference with Casey Anthony and then drove her up to the US Treasury, where she assumed all of America's debt. Then, thirty minutes later, she plea-bargained, and all the debt was forgiven.
America was saved!
The President took credit for the victory, then flew somewhere and read something. Democrats claimed victory, took up a donation, and bought dinner. Republicans claimed victory, took up a donation, and bought a restaurant. A local food workers union made a donation to each, claimed a deduction for both, and bought a Senator.
Congress responded to the good news by drafting a non-binding resolution affirming their consistent, on-the-record support for news that is good. Then they named a post office after Casey Anthony, raised taxes, and took a month off.
The Tea Party sighed and continued with their rally, where their fanatical supporters continued to get caught on camera not being violent.
America, bored with watching television news coverage of the Casey Anthony story, went back to watching television talk show coverage of the Casey Anthony story.
And all the zombies slugged to a staggered halt, reversed course and began lurching back to the unholy darkness from whence they came: the ACLU.
