Return of the Giant Vote-Sucking Locusts
(The good news: it's only every four years. The bad news: it lasts for five.)
Moderator: Good evening, America! Welcome to the Iowa State Fair and the first of several hundred thousand election events!
(Cue applause prompt)
Moderator: I'm your rugged-yet-sensitive host, Biff Condor, reminding you that, here at Wolf News, we're State Fair and Balanced!
(Cue audio of insanely expensive "24×7 political coverage" jingle)
Moderator: We're glad you're with us tonight! On behalf of Wolf News, thanks to our studio audience here at the Iowa State Fair, and to our viewers tuning in from home, many of whom still have jobs.
(Cue fear-inspiring "breaking news" graphic of national debt clock)
Moderator: Before we get started, let me tell you a little more about myself. I'm Biff Condor, award-winning, all-purpose Hair Helmet and international camera magnet. I'm a regular recipient of TV's prestigious Em-Me award, an honor recognizing my uncanny ability to inject myself into absolutely any news story whatsoever, regardless of whether or not I was actually there. But enough about me, the award-winning telejournalist, Biff Condor. Now, without further ado, let's cut to several minutes of car commercials, featuring apocalyptic price deadlines, screaming off-camera announcers and squinting local businessmen dressed in bad suits.
(Cue commercial)
Moderator: Welcome back to our coverage of tonight's event, including various camera shots of my head. I'm award-winning broadcast legend, Biff Condor. And now, without further ado, let's cut to several minutes of real estate commercials, featuring great discounts on desolate, bone-arid, pre-electricity, Obama-forsaken ranch properties in Vulture Jerky, Idaho and Barren Tonsil, Wyoming.
(Cue commercial)
Moderator: Welcome back! I'm your air-brushed host, Biff Condor. And now, without further ado, let's introduce the 2012 Republican candidates for President, each of whom has spent the previous week uttering mystical pronouncements that always begin with 'at the end of the day' or 'where the rubber meets the road.' All week long, we've watched them smiling while flipping hamburgers, or smiling while autographing hamburgers, or pointing and acting surprised when they see someone semi-famous who was planted in the audience. America, please give a warm welcome to Glove Romney, Michele "Toots" Bachwommann, Tim "Toots" Aplenty, Guido "I'm Not John McCain" Cain, Eft "Newt" Gingrich, Sanctum Santorum, and Thaddeus Somebody.
(Cue applause prompt)
Ron St. Paul: And me! And me!
Moderator: Oh, yeah.
(Cue montage reel of Biff Condor's career)
Moderator: Tonight, we'll be asking our candidates very probing questions, composed and hand-written in a lovely award-winning cursive by me, Biff Condor. We'll begin with Glove Romney, who's been running for President non-stop since about 1928 and who is the only candidate named after a baseball appliance. I should point out that I, your humble correspondent, Biff Condor, used to play baseball. Good evening, Glove.
Romney: Hi, Biff. I'm accompanied tonight by my wife Wheel Play, my sons Bunt, Bullpen and Ground Rule Double, and my hair, which just formed its own garage band. I'd like to say thanks to the people of Iowa for watching me simultaneously smile and flip hamburgers, and that's why, when the rubber meets the road, I'm clearly the most qualified person on this platform.
Moderator: And now, let's turn to Guido Cain. Guido, as the only "person of color" on this stage or, for that matter, in the entire state of Iowa, let's start with the most relevant question that I, Biff Condor, can compose; one that pierces through the "politically correct" veneer and addresses this crucial element of America's troubled past and promising future: Thin crust or deep dish?
Cain: When I was the godfather at Big Caesar's Pizza King, I made business decisions every day, at the end of the day. I know how to focus on the problem and fix it in 30 minutes or less. Guaranteed. And that's what the American people are clamoring for.
Moderator: Thank you, Guido. Well, having touched on pizza, that wraps up our segment on America's foreign policy, and I think you'll agree that our in-depth treatment of America's foreign policy is at least as competent as anything going on in the current administration. So now, let's pivot like a laser…
(rim shot)
Moderator: …to a discussion of domestic issues. But first, let's cut to several minutes of commercials in which you'll be repeatedly yelled at by a bald, angry Watergate ex-con about why you should invest in gold.
(Cue commercial)
Moderator: Welcome back. I'm award-winning media icon, Biff Condor. Before we move on to our next candidate, let's take a minute to review tonight's rules and procedures. Each candidate will have exactly one minute to speak, and if anybody on tonight's stage actually complies with that rule, nobody will be more surprised than me. This one-minute rule may be the most ignored instruction in the history of mankind, with the possible exception of those cautions about not removing that tag from your mattress. Anyway, each candidate will ha…
Sanctum Santorum: Excuse me, Biff, but is anybody gonna talk to me tonight?
Moderator: I seriously doubt it.
Santorum: But my experien…
Moderator: As I was saying, each candidate will have thirty seconds for rebuttal, which is an ancient French term meaning "snide, bitter and staggeringly irrelevant comment." Also, throughout tonight's debate, candidates will have ample opportunity to be captured on camera rolling their eyes, furiously scribbling notes, or shaking their heads in poignant "tragic hero" gestures of silent disgust.
Santorum: But they told me if I smiled and flipped hambur…
Moderator: Zip it, Richie Cunningham. Now, concerning tonight's procedures, I should warn the studio audience that, from time to time, you may hear short bursts from an alarm bell. That has nothing to do with our debate, or violations of the one-minute rule, or anything like that. It's just that … uh … it's, um … well, let's put it this way. Remember – outside, at the State Fair, there are thousands of professionally obese rural people swilling cheap beer, gobbling barrel-loads of undercooked pork, and sampling all manner of ill-prepared fried things that have been mutating for hours under a broiling mid-summer sun. For those of you unfamiliar with rural customs in the "flyover" States, this confluence can create a sudden meteorological condition known as an "orographic flatulence pendant echo" – or as locals put it – St. Elmo's Fire Drill.
(Cue 'Wizard of Oz' tornado scene)
Moderator: Well, there it is. That's who we are and how we ride. Out here in Fried Lard country, cyclones ain't the only things that kill, and storm cellars ain't the only things that save. And speaking of Iowa, let's turn now to our next candidate, Michele Bachwommann.
Bachwommann: Good evening, Biff. It's great to be back home in Iowa where, at the end of the day every summer, I used to flip burgers while smiling and eat fried lard on a stick. This went on until I got so desperately sick of Iowa that even a place like Minnesota began to look good. And that's why I'm the only candidate on this stage who will fix America's energy dependency on foreign immigration corn tariffs while balancing the serious shortage of education-ready shovels.
Eft "Newt" Gingrich: Biff, may I offer a rebuttal?
Moderator: Well, technically, no, since nobody asked your opinion in the first place.
Gingrich: But I'm practically a Statesman. I have white hair!
Moderator: And you're named after a salamander.
Gingrich: Look, when the rubber hits the end of the day, I'm the only candi…
Moderator: And now to … um … Thaddeus Whaddayacallit. Senator, or whatever you did, any comments, or any update on your attempt at generating a visible emotion or a recognizable facial expression?
Thad: First, let me respo…
Moderator: Thank you, sir, but you're out of time. "Toots" Aplenty, if you'll please stand up, you can respond.
Aplenty: I am standing up.
Moderator: Awkward. And finally, let's turn to an absent Governor of Texas who only became an official candidate about eleven minutes ago and, surprisingly, is already leading in the polls. Governor, would you like to add anything before I, Biff Condor, award-winning Thesaurus owner and author of the upcoming book, "Biff On Biff," wrap things up?
Disembodied voice of a Texas Governor: I am the only candidate on this stage who is not on this stage. Vote for me, or I'll kill your cow.
Moderator: Be sure to stay tuned for my weekly news round-up, "Running Hunched Over Across Various Wind-Whipped Landscapes with Biff Condor." And thanks again to our candidates for showing up tonight, despite the fact that most of them have about as much chance of becoming President as fried lard on a stick.
Ron St. Paul: And me! And me!
Moderator: Oh, yeah.
