Got A Second?

(Time waits for no pope.)

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I’d like to share a secret with you. Last night, according to the internet, I turned 1.8 billion seconds old. But please keep that a secret, okay?

Why? Because I lied in my latest online dating profile. I said my age was just a few million seconds.

Why did I lie? Because I entered my real age in a previous, more factual “looking for romance” profile. And the women the online matchmakers kept pairing me with used words I didn’t find the least bit romantic;...