Get The Hell Outta The Way!

Y’all, what is it with the folks that shop at Wal-mart? I’m serious, they are a different clueless group of Earthlings.

Now, I pick on Wal-mart a lot but I have to be honest and say for the love of the wallet I am frequenting that crazy place a lot now. So, I get the insaneness that seems to envelop Wal-mart ‘island.’

There are ‘things’ about us humans called proximity and position in space which dictates the accuracy of that proximity. It comes from 3 systems that work together to make sure that accuracy is in place. Those systems are the visual system, the proprioceptive system, and the vestibular system.

So, you know what the eyes do so I won’t go there. The proprioceptive system is the sensors located in our muscles and joints that let our brain know where our body parts are in space. Pair those up with the vestibular system, the system located in the ear that allows our brain to know where our head in space, I also call this the dizzy system, and this is what allows our sense of position on our planet.

Now, if your systems are intact, you should understand your proximity to people, objects, dangerous ledges, etc. but something happens to the good shoppers of Wal-mart and their proximity sense is left at the door, I’m not kidding.

Here’s why I’m ranting again . . .

I was out of a few things for the everyday eating as well as I wanted to get some ingredients for tonight’s dinner, so off I went to Wal-mart Island. The reason I am adding Island is because if you were a kid of the 80’s like me you’d remember Fantasy Island . . . well, Wal-mart Island is the opposite of Fantasy Island, like every day. In other words, Fantasy Island on crack.

As I’m trying to free a cart from the jaws of life cart line, I instantly feel a ‘presence’ behind me and as I turn around, there standing waaaaay to close to my person is the front door Wal-mart Island greeter who says, “Welcome to Wal-mart.” Only he has some sort of speech impediment and I get spit on very close to my mouth. Oh, I’m gonna barf. I smile and try not to let the spit slip into my mouth and then quickly turn and wipe the vile liquid off of my face.

And so begins the madness . . .

My first visit was to grab some bananas, which were on this stand way far away from the fruit area but they looked good so I went for it. While choosing my bunch, I was hit in the Achille’s Tendon by a lovely middle-aged couple fighting over what gift card to get their nephew. They didn’t even realize that they impaled me with their cart so I just limped on swearing under my breath.

I limped over to the frozen aisle to get some garlic bread and was mirrored by a woman heading in the same direction that I was. Now, an aisle is a two-way street, not a side by side roller coaster ride. I’m not kidding when I say when I’d move, she’d move and it was if she didn’t even see me there. She didn’t mirror me perfect though because she didn’t have a limp. After being mirrored for about 30 seconds, exasperated I said, “Could you excuse me so I can get to the proper side of the aisle and get my garlic bread?” Startled, she looked at me and I kid you not said, “Oh, I didn’t see you there.” Am I being punked, how had she not seen me there?! She was copying my every move!

Moving on, actually, limp running on . . .

I was heading over to get some hot dogs when another clueless shopper cut me off and I was about to lose it at this point. And unbelievably she said, “Oh, I didn’t see you there.” When did I become invisible?

As I grabbed my hot dogs and turned to head to the deli, I played dance moves with this dude also wielding a cart. Every time I turned one way to exit around him, he turned in the same direction as well so we were blocking each other once again, and this went on for 15 of the longest most frustrating seconds. He seemed amused, I was just pissed! Once free from the cart chicken dance, I limped to the deli.

Now at the deli, I heard the lady in front of me order about 6 different things with varying weights and I knew it would take about 6 months by the time it was my turn so I gave up and limped to check out.

I decided to go the self check-out as I thought it would be faster, ha ha ha . . .

The little helper Wal-mart Island lady had to come over 6 times because the damn machine thought I was stealing or something. I was about to cry at this point. I was just about done with the madness when lo and behold, the close Wal-mart Island greeter snuck up behind me again, for reasons I will never understand and said, “Thank you for shopping at Wal-mart.” I wasn’t even checked out all the way and thought, “This guy’s timing is waaaay the hell off.” I dodged the spit this time thankfully.

As I’m heading out the ‘out’ door, a family of 7 has decided that they can’t read, as they shed their proximity understanding at the door, and ran into my cart trying to come in the ‘out’ door. The mom gave me a filthy dirty look and I wanted to bowl her over with my cart because at this point, I had had enough of weird ass people and if this woman could read she would see that she was coming in the wrong way. Good Lord people, literacy is a necessary thing!!

After breaking free of Wal-mart Island, I thought I was home free to get to my car and unload the few bags I had but no, a blind, deaf, and short person driving a barge decided to back out and hit my cart as I was trying to get to my car. Here’s the thing, had he had his sight, he would have seen me, if he didn’t have sight, he would have heard the loud bump but no, he didn’t hear that either and I jerked my cart back and let him back the rest of the way out. As he turned to see that there was a human there, he waved and smiled and I discovered that the poor cuss didn’t have any teeth either. Bless him.

With a limp, frustration bubbling out of me, and a bent up cart I unloaded what little I had, put my bent cart away and drove home.

I’m gonna have to take a break from Wal-mart Island as I write this feeling quite stabby from today’s shopping episode. Also, I’m questioning whether I’ve turned invisible somehow.

Love y’all!!♥