How We Give Up On Our Kids Every Day

We have two close family friends who are traveling a rough road with their young adult children. One family is dealing with alcoholism, the other with drug addiction. As painful as this is for both families, there is an equal amount of resilience and hope. The parents are relentless in their support and refuse to give up on their kids.

This week, I saw something similar with my 80-year-old mother-in-law. She stood beside my sister-in-law, who was going through major heart surgery. Exhausted physically and emotionally, my mother-in-law remained strong for her daughter. Despite her physical limitations, she spent hours at the hospital sharing her love, care, courage, and strength. As my sister-in-law was being wheeled into surgery, my mother-in-law said, “It will be over before you know it. I have faith in you and will never give up on you. You need to have faith in yourself and never give up on yourself either. God is with you and so are we. You are strong and you will get through this.”

As parents, we are tenacious and dedicated when it comes to our children. When they are hurting and in pain, we never give up hope on our children, which would be like giving up on life itself. We are just not wired any other way. And yet why is it that this tendency to never give up on our kids is not evident in the day-to-day challenges that we face with them?

For example, when our kids mess up and make mistakes, we express our disappointment and disapproval ferociously. We say things like, “That’s it. I’m done with you.” Or “I’ve had it with you.” Or “You’re never going to learn, are you?”

When our kids get “bad” grades, these are the phrases that trip off our tongues:

“Another “C?” That’s it! I’m done spending money on tutors.” Or “You’ll never get past high school.”

Think about the underlying message we are sending to them with these statements. Any sentence that has a “That’s it. I’m done…” or “You’ll never…” gives voice to an underlying message: You can’t do this. I have given up on you. This is why children come back with, “You’re mean.” Or “you have no faith in me.” Or the one that hurts the most, “You’re never there for me.” Needless to say, that is far from our intention!

It is important for us parents to reassure kids that we do not and will not give up on them—both in the larger issues of life and in day-to-day challenges. This is what builds a parent-child connection and authenticates the relationship. This is also what builds our kids’ self-confidence and self-esteem. It is how we respond—not react — to our children’s daily mistakes that prepares them for real life. It is what they learn from the mistakes that facilitates growth and builds their grit.

Paul Tough, in his book How Children Succeed, ranks grit as one of the most important skills that contribute to character that parents can help their children build. This grit is strengthened when we embrace mistakes and harness teaching moments by responding with “I know this must be hard for you. How can I help you? I got your back.” Or “Let’s look at what you learned from this.”

It is up to us to create learning moments—regardless of any pitfalls. It is through these day-to-day challenges that we let our kids not just know but also feel that, indeed, we will never give up on them.

The post How We Give Up On Our Kids Every Day appeared first on Tools of Growth.