Getting back to my totally unhelpful roots

Oh this poor, neglected blog. There was a time when I had such hopes for Scott's Not Even Remotely Helpful for Authors blog. It was going to be the least-helpful blog out there, especially for authors.

Why? Need you really ask?!? There are SO MANY helpful blogs for authors. Why reinvent the wheel? Why throw a match on a fire? Why use tired metaphors? Wait... now I'm rambling.

So... back to the basics. Today's post will hopefully be entertaining, but not helpful for authors. If it is either of those, I'll call it a win.

Today's post is about my recent experience with a pair of new shoes.

I found a sweet-looking pair of Aldo's online. I was looking for something sharp but comfy. Something I could wear to work (I'm an IT project manager), but that were comfortable enough to walk a mile in.

Why a mile? Great question.

I'm in Minnesota. I work for the State. Since it's flippin' cold here half the year, there are tunnels connecting many of the buildings at the Capitol complex. The main tunnel loop is one mile long. Perfect for a break. There's nothing like taking a stroll through concrete, underground, oversized hamster trails lined with insulated water pipes and lit with harsh fluorescent tubes.

Ignore my description. It's actually a nice walk, especially when it's 20-below outside.

So... I found a pair of Aldo's on sale for a super-great price. They look like these -

- but mine don't have the little gray liner on the tops. I ordered them, they were delivered, I tried them on and - DAMN - I had some good-lookin' feet. Definitely a sharp-looking pair of shoes.

I wore them to work. They were comfy. Mission accomplished, right? Sharp, comfy. That's what I wanted.

But I DIDN'T want my feet to make little farty noises when I walked. Not cool. I don't care how sharp you look, if your feet make little farty noises when you walk, it totally wipes out your cool factor.

What to do? What in the hell was I to do?

I decided to act my age. I'm 40. That means I can start to get away with old-dude shit. Not a lot, not like an 80-year old. But I can pull the occasional, "Because I'm old!" card now and then.

I went to the store and I got me some orthopedic lift inserts. You know the ones. They make the inside of your shoe look like you're planning on an all-afternoon stint at the senior center's bingo hall. And when you buy them, the teenager at the register is pretty much guaranteed to look at you like you're on your way to an all-afternoon stint at the senior center's bingo hall... because you're, you know, old. Like, 40 or something.

On the way home, I complained about people driving too fast. When I got home, I leaned over to pick up a shoe and groaned about my sore back. I put in the orthopedic lift insert, slid the shoe on, repeated the process for the other foot... and took a walk.

No farty noises. Not a one. Well, except for the occasional actual fart. What?!? I'm 40. Better out than in, I say.

And you know what? Mission accomplished. Mission-frickin'-accomplished.
1 like ·   •  1 comment  •  flag
Twitter icon
Published on March 04, 2017 14:49 Tags: farts, old-people, shoes
Comments Showing 1-1 of 1 (1 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Kim (new)

Kim well, it made me laugh - so mission accomplished!!!!

back to top

Scott's Not Even Remotely Helpful for Authors Blog

Scott Burtness
Whatever you find in this blog, one thing is for certain - it won't be even remotely helpful for authors.
Follow Scott Burtness's blog with rss.