5 Timeless and Necessary Life Values for Parents and Kids
A friend of mine relayed a story that got me thinking:
Some years ago a man and his brother went to visit their grandfather in Kansas. They were helping him with his farm chores when a UPS truck pulled up with a mail order he had placed. One of the young men said, “Isn’t this amazing? Having delivery to your door! I remember when we were teenagers, you would leave early in the morning and drive six hours into town to pick your farming supplies and return the next day.
To this the old man responded, “And before you were born, I would ride 12 hours in my horse-drawn carriage, and the trip back and forth would take me four days. Yes, times have changed. I used to think it was important to teach kids how to drive my horse-drawn carriage. When cars came along, I thought it was important for them to learn to drive. Now I think that the most important value to teach our children is to be adaptable and grow with the times.”
How true that is! On hearing this story, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “What is it that we can teach our children now that will carry them through all of life’s changes? If change is the only constant, how do we equip our kids to keep up—to find fulfillment, joy and happiness through changing times?”
So what are those life skills or values that that will carry our kids, support them, and help them grow? Here are my top five:
Be present and in the moment. This is the foundation of meeting every life change and challenge. When we are in the now, we are focused on the task at hand. We are not worrying about how life was better or worse in the past or how it can be better or worse in the future. Yes, we must learn from the past and plan for the future, but we must leave some energy to enjoy the moment at hand.
There’s a difference between planning and living. Too often, when we are not focused on the moment, we are overwhelmed with planning and rethinking, with could’ve and should’ve. And sadly, we model this behavior to our children. Not only is this is a detrimental habit to pass along, but we are also missing out on important times with our kids.
Parents, we only get to do this once. So balance mundane daily, monotonous tasks with an equal dose of being present and rooted in the moment. This is the most important life-enhancing value we can teach our children. If you’re looking for ways to break existing habits, explore Take 5 : 5 minutes a day to do nothing, no-thing, with your kids. It’s a great way to live and learn in the moment.
Have faith in and stay connected to yourself. Most of our anxiety comes from our intense need to compare ourselves with others. We veer away from our own potential and enter a never-ending rat race of accomplishments. We also start our children very early on this track by getting caught up in schools they attend, grades, accolades, and degrees. Later we compare jobs, homes, cars, and so on. But this chase buys us neither happiness nor peace of mind. And we forget to explore who we are and what we love to do.
How then can we step off the hamster wheel and instill positive life values in our kids? By teaching them to have faith in themselves and to stay connected to themselves. This can only be done by raising them in a spirit-nurturing environment. That means asking: What am I good at? What comes to me naturally? What do I enjoy doing? We can then take the answers and use them to identify and strengthen weaknesses. Say a child is not good at math. Why not point out his or her strengths in science, art, or whatever and then help them cultivate a good attitude about passing the class and putting their best foot forward. Pushing will only make it worse. Your kids will lose faith in themselves, which will hurt their self-confidence and self-esteem, instead of helping them believe in themselves.
There is a world of a difference between being inspired by others and competing with them. The clearer we are about this as parents, the clearer our kids will be. The second most timeless and positive life value we give our children is to direct them inward—to their own potential, their gifts, and their self-understanding.
Stay rooted in oneness. How often do we tell our kids, “We are here for you…we are family,” and then say, “This is my house, and I make the rules.” In one breath we advocate values that unite the family, and in another we divide ourselves from our kids by claiming that the house that should be their safe space is really our territory. What mixed messages and what a disservice!
It is our responsibility to support oneness in all that we do for our children through our communication habits. Statements like “Well, that’s not how we do it,” or “I don’t care what Jeffrey is allowed to do” send a message of superiority and separation. Why not say, “Each family does it differently,” or “We all do what works best for us”? That can support your case without demeaning anyone else. Bringing oneness into the way we talk helps strengthen that concept for children. It is the opposite of bullying, being over competitive, or espousing racists views. We’re all human beings, and at our core we are the same. We are not separate from each other—different maybe but definitely not separate.
The oneness we practice with our kids at home is directly connected to building a united universe. When we stay rooted in this oneness, we are never alone, we are prepared and supported for any change we face—as a family, a community, a nation, and a world.
Know that all of life challenges us to grow. Often when we are hit with a trying situation—especially when it comes to our children—we shut down, crumble, or blow our fuse! We react as if the problem were the end of the world. When will we learn that this is part of the ride? How can we expect that any of us can go through life without being challenged? How silly is that! All of life is a challenge, and we know it. Yet we dive head first into emotional outbursts.
The next time we’re faced with some obstacle, we need to remember this: Behind every single trying issue there is a huge aha moment, an opportunity for learning. Go ahead…make a mistake, and allow your kids to do the same. Tell them not to be afraid of mistakes. Learning from mistakes is what makes us grow. When we are growing, we are experiencing; when we are experiencing, we are happier. When we can look at challenges as experiences and milestones to growth, we will look back at our lives as lives worth lived. Where’s the fun in saying, “I am the same as I was ten years ago. I haven’t grown at all.” If we want to thrive and not wither away, we must commit to growth, and that only comes with challenges. Know it, expect them, and be prepared for them. Understanding this prepares us and our children for any and every change that life throws our way.
Balance effort with letting go. I grew up hearing my favorite aunt’s words, “Do, do, do. Let go, go, go.” It used to confuse me, but now I get it! I’m a doer by nature, and my expectations followed right at the heels of my doing something. When my expectations weren’t met, I faced disappointment. My efforts felt like a waste of time. What a self-deprecating roller coaster I was on.
Then one day, as I was telling my aunt how hard I had worked at something and had gotten nothing in return, she said, “Did you do your best?” “Of course,” I responded. “Did it feel good?” “Of course,” I responded again. “Then, that’s it,” she said. “Find value in that, and move on. Do, do, do. Let go, go, go,” she reminded me.
As I started to practice that, I started to find more joy in everything that I did. The end result was not always getting what I expected, but I got better at everything I did, and the feeling was liberating.
When we shift our mind-set, we start to tap into the intention behind the doing. If my goal is to help my child with his biology midterm, then I let go of an expectation of his grade. As I practiced letting go, that attitude rubbed off on my son. When he got his grade, if it was a good one, we celebrated. If it wasn’t a good one, we looked back at it as effort well spent to learn the material.
I’ve applied the same principle to changing my career and writing my first book. I do my best at pursuing opportunities that come up and consider it a call to serve, apart from any results. Focusing strictly on my intention and the effort that goes into it has been gratifying. When we let go of the outcome, we can better keep up with the constant that is change.
George Bernard Shaw once said, “Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” With a mind-set of being present, knowing and staying connected with ourselves, rooting ourselves in oneness, being open to challenges, and putting our best foot forward aside from expectations, we prepare ourselves and our children to sail over the waves of change and enjoy this ever-changing ride called life.
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