#SonofaPitch: Query #8: Empathy: Imminent Dawn

For my regular readers, these are some special posts this week as part of a pitch contest I'm providing feedback for. My normal musings will return next week.

For participants, welcome to my blog! I'm happy to host you and excited to see what kinds of stories you've written. Please remember that only the author of this piece and the participating judges are supposed to comment. All other comments will be deleted.

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You can check out other teams on the other hosting blogs: Elsie Elmore (Team Droids), Elizabeth Roderick (Team Leia), Kathleen Ann Palm (Team Darkside), Rena Rocford (Team Rebels), and of course, our organizer and Grand Poobah, Katie Hamstead Teller.

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Title: EMPATHY: Imminent Dawn
Category and Genre: Adult Sci-fi
Word Count: 110,000

Query:

EMPATHY: Imminent Dawn is the story of art-school dropout Chandra Adelhadeo, who, in a desperate effort to communicate with her comatose wife, enrolls in the first round of human trials for an implant that will give her access to the internet in her mind.

Though Chandra is elated when she becomes the first for whom this technology functions, the study takes a sinister turn when dozens of patients begin to seize and go missing. Trapped on the research compound without answers from EMPATHY’s pioneer as to whether the nanochip will let her speak with her wife once she, too, has it implanted, Chandra must take action if she’s to ever see her wife again. By teaming up with an amateur programmer and an on-compound administrative assistant, Chandra fights to save the study from itself… before she, too, disappears.

First 250 Words:

Chandra Adelhadeo ran her fingers along the scar as she sat in the post-install waiting room.

So much hinged on the conversation she would have on the other side of the door at the end of the hall. Had the install gone as planned? How soon would the implant start to work? When could she use it to speak with Kyra?

Any minute now they would call her name and—ugh. Chandra cringed. She was doing it again.
She curled her fingers inward, grasping tightly at the grit of the charcoal pencil in her hand. The advice of her pre-study therapist came to her.
Draw. Write. Focus on something you can control. 
Chandra eased in a breath and opened the sketchbook on her knee to a fresh leaf.

Kyra, 

I’ve felt miserable for abandoning you since Ratan dropped me off. That’s not the right word, though: abandon. I did this for you, for us, and when this is all over we’ll be closer than we have been in a long time. 

As soon as EMPATHY is working for me, I’ll make sure you get it as well. No matter the cost, I will make sure this works for us. We need it. I need it. I—

“Chandra?”
Her attention shot toward the receptionist. A bleary-eyed participant emerged from the back room and passed between them.
“The doctor will see you now.” 
Chandra bit her lower lip. “Thanks.” A stunted breath escaped as she stood.