The Calm, Kind Voice of Reason

 

The answers hidden behind a calm and kind Why? – or sometimes a What? or a How? – open the doors to communication. These simple questioning words have the potential to open the minds of both sender and receiver. When parents ask Why? they clearly and directly prompt the child to offer a reason for the behavior. Reason-able Parenting, as the word suggests, relies on a parent’s ability to reason. Prompting reason, discussion, or logical thinking engages the intellect and helps parents gather and understand information. It takes the fizz out of emotions and prevents emotional spillovers that arguments always stir up.

In relationships – particularly between parents and children, where there is a difference in the depth of understanding because of age and life experiences – asking Why? calmly and kindly helps us build a bridge to understanding one another and resolve issues. The energy that parents waste arguing with their children should instead be constructively spent on reasoning and helping kids make sense of the situation. Unreasonable reactions – Because I said so and No means no – are exhausting and detrimental for both parents and children. Using these familiar phrases taxes your relationship.

This holds true in reverse, too: If you aren’t open to answering your child’s Why?, then you can surely expect him or her to go behind your back, hiding things and serving you disappointment and anguish on a silver platter.

Had I been able to reason with my parents, I know that I would not have hidden so much from them or been so dishonest about boys. If they had answered my Why?, perhaps we could have at least reached an acceptable midpoint of understanding. As long as the calm and kind Why? is directed toward the subject of debate (the issue at hand) and not the object of debate (the child), you will be successful at peeling off the layers of emotions and getting closer to an amicable understanding.

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