Jingle All the Way (1996)... Is Not Recommended
I'm guessing you've probably seen the movie "Jingle All the Way". In it, Arnold Schwarzenegger plays ordinary businessman, Howard Langston, who has been a bit too busy for his kid lately -- and decides to make up for it by buying him the toy he most desires for Christmas. Unfortunately, the toy the child most desires is also the year's hottest toy, "Turbo Man", and nigh-on impossible to find... which sends Howard on a highly improbable and rather cynical Christmas adventure to locate the last available Turbo Man in the unnamed major city that he lives in.
See how frustrated he is? You can't get much more frustrated than that.
It's like there's an imaginary loaf of bread stuck right through his head.Okay... if you've seen this, do I really need to describe the problems with this movie? Probably not, but let's start with...
1. THE STORYI already used the word "cynical" in the description above -- but, yes, this is a really cynical story. Granted, there are a lot of Christmas stories about people being horrible and un-Christmas-like to each other at Christmastime (I mean, isn't that the whole point of just about any version of A Christmas Carol?) but in many of those films, the story is about a singular person being awful and then learning the true meaning of Christmas. Or, alternatively, if everyone in the movie is awful, it's about a singular good person coming to town and teaching all those awful people the true meaning of Christmas (Prancer would be a good example of that, and Miracle on 34th Street, and so on). In this particularly film, though, people are awful and selfish and horrible to each other -- and it's amplified by Christmas -- but do they learn a good moral at the end?... Not really. The ending of this film would have been a really good spot for a "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas"-type moral...
... and that's really not what we get. Yes, in the end, the boy does give away his toy to someone else who wanted it, but why does he do it? Because he's unselfish? Because he's learned the true meaning of Christmas? No, because his Dad played Turbo Man in the parade, and therefore, he "has the real Turbo Man at home!"
Alternatively... Mr. Hall and I discussed this for a bit, and he makes the (probably valid) point that what the child wanted all along wasn't Turbo Man at all -- it was his Dad. He gives up the toy at the end because he got what he really wanted -- his Dad to care about him. Okay, I guess that's not a bad thing in itself... but his giving the toy away is still essentially just giving away a lesser version of something he's already got, which isn't necessarily a Christmas-level act of charity. Plus, we have to live with the knowledge that he's giving it away to a boy who will have to use Turbo Man as a Dad substitute, because his Dad (Sinbad) is going to prison for trying to kill a child during a holiday parade. Merry Christmas!
2. THE TONE We have two sorts of tones in this film: Realism...
He's looking for a present that's out of stock at the stores!
The clerks are rude!...And Absurdity.
Black market toy ring where everyone dresses like Santa!
One of them is a 7-foot tall professional wrestler!I'm not saying it's impossible to successfully move back and forth between these two tones in a film. But, if you're telling us that this is a world which is just a slightly heightened version of the world that you and I currently live in -- then, you know what? If that's the case, no one should have laser beams or jetpacks. (Yes. There are both laser beams and functional personal jetpacks in this movie.)
3. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. I'm just going to say it: Screenwriters, don't name the guy with the heavy Austrian accent "Howard Langston". Call him Rick Schmidt, or Jack Von Braun -- because he is clearly not from around here. The unlikely last name "Langston" just emphasizes that fact, and makes him seem weird and phoney. He can barely even pronounce "Howard"; it comes out "Hauuhd". Casting Arnold in this film makes it very stilted and stagey and ... well, not convincing.
Du bist mein kind! Gehorcht mir!
Oh, there's also:
4. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.Why on earth did they cast Arnold Schwarzenegger as "Ordinary Business Dad"? Is there anyone you know who is less like "Ordinary Business Dad" than Arnold Schwarzenegger? Was Charles Grodin busy that week? (That man knows how to hold an imaginary loaf of bread).
Charles Grodin (right) as ordinary business Dad with invisible bread.
Charles Grodin (right) as ordinary business Dad, protecting invisible bread from dog.I get that they were going for cute "fish out of water" scenario by putting "Super Action Man" in "Family Christmas Movie" -- the same kind of scenario that was achieved in the film Kindergarten Cop. However, in a film like Kindergarten Cop, the tone was consistent and -- dare I say it? -- believable. Arnold didn't ride an enchanted elephant to save the day.
THAT SAID...
Why have I seen this movie? And why have YOU likely already seen this movie? There is one main reason for this:
1. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
I won't make any dramatic claims that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a great actor (and, given some revelations in the past few years, I'd rather not discuss his home life). But you know what he has in spades? Charisma. He is charismatic and very fun to watch -- even now. When he's on the screen, are you looking at anyone else? No! Arnold Schwarzenegger is the only reason a person could or should watch Jingle All the Way. (Which is why I find it very perplexing that they did a sequel to this movie starring Larry the Cable Guy.)
Seriously. It happened.That said, I don't think you should watch Jingle All the Way -- no, I'm just explaining why it's likely that you have watched it, and why I have both watched it and have a copy of this on my shelf. If you're an Arnold completionist, sure, but it's not a good movie. The tonal issues and lack of a truly heartwarming Christmas resolution kind of ruin it. I mean, I've tried to watch this as a "good BAD movie" -- you know, getting together a group of friends to skewer the thing -- and not even a group of friends, attuned to the hilarious nuances of bad movies, could make this thing good.
NOT RECOMMENDED.
See how frustrated he is? You can't get much more frustrated than that.It's like there's an imaginary loaf of bread stuck right through his head.Okay... if you've seen this, do I really need to describe the problems with this movie? Probably not, but let's start with...
1. THE STORYI already used the word "cynical" in the description above -- but, yes, this is a really cynical story. Granted, there are a lot of Christmas stories about people being horrible and un-Christmas-like to each other at Christmastime (I mean, isn't that the whole point of just about any version of A Christmas Carol?) but in many of those films, the story is about a singular person being awful and then learning the true meaning of Christmas. Or, alternatively, if everyone in the movie is awful, it's about a singular good person coming to town and teaching all those awful people the true meaning of Christmas (Prancer would be a good example of that, and Miracle on 34th Street, and so on). In this particularly film, though, people are awful and selfish and horrible to each other -- and it's amplified by Christmas -- but do they learn a good moral at the end?... Not really. The ending of this film would have been a really good spot for a "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas"-type moral...
... and that's really not what we get. Yes, in the end, the boy does give away his toy to someone else who wanted it, but why does he do it? Because he's unselfish? Because he's learned the true meaning of Christmas? No, because his Dad played Turbo Man in the parade, and therefore, he "has the real Turbo Man at home!"
Alternatively... Mr. Hall and I discussed this for a bit, and he makes the (probably valid) point that what the child wanted all along wasn't Turbo Man at all -- it was his Dad. He gives up the toy at the end because he got what he really wanted -- his Dad to care about him. Okay, I guess that's not a bad thing in itself... but his giving the toy away is still essentially just giving away a lesser version of something he's already got, which isn't necessarily a Christmas-level act of charity. Plus, we have to live with the knowledge that he's giving it away to a boy who will have to use Turbo Man as a Dad substitute, because his Dad (Sinbad) is going to prison for trying to kill a child during a holiday parade. Merry Christmas!
2. THE TONE We have two sorts of tones in this film: Realism...
He's looking for a present that's out of stock at the stores!The clerks are rude!...And Absurdity.
Black market toy ring where everyone dresses like Santa! One of them is a 7-foot tall professional wrestler!I'm not saying it's impossible to successfully move back and forth between these two tones in a film. But, if you're telling us that this is a world which is just a slightly heightened version of the world that you and I currently live in -- then, you know what? If that's the case, no one should have laser beams or jetpacks. (Yes. There are both laser beams and functional personal jetpacks in this movie.)
3. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. I'm just going to say it: Screenwriters, don't name the guy with the heavy Austrian accent "Howard Langston". Call him Rick Schmidt, or Jack Von Braun -- because he is clearly not from around here. The unlikely last name "Langston" just emphasizes that fact, and makes him seem weird and phoney. He can barely even pronounce "Howard"; it comes out "Hauuhd". Casting Arnold in this film makes it very stilted and stagey and ... well, not convincing.
-large-picture.jpg&f=1)
Du bist mein kind! Gehorcht mir!
Oh, there's also:4. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.Why on earth did they cast Arnold Schwarzenegger as "Ordinary Business Dad"? Is there anyone you know who is less like "Ordinary Business Dad" than Arnold Schwarzenegger? Was Charles Grodin busy that week? (That man knows how to hold an imaginary loaf of bread).
Charles Grodin (right) as ordinary business Dad with invisible bread.
Charles Grodin (right) as ordinary business Dad, protecting invisible bread from dog.I get that they were going for cute "fish out of water" scenario by putting "Super Action Man" in "Family Christmas Movie" -- the same kind of scenario that was achieved in the film Kindergarten Cop. However, in a film like Kindergarten Cop, the tone was consistent and -- dare I say it? -- believable. Arnold didn't ride an enchanted elephant to save the day. THAT SAID...
Why have I seen this movie? And why have YOU likely already seen this movie? There is one main reason for this:
1. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
I won't make any dramatic claims that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a great actor (and, given some revelations in the past few years, I'd rather not discuss his home life). But you know what he has in spades? Charisma. He is charismatic and very fun to watch -- even now. When he's on the screen, are you looking at anyone else? No! Arnold Schwarzenegger is the only reason a person could or should watch Jingle All the Way. (Which is why I find it very perplexing that they did a sequel to this movie starring Larry the Cable Guy.)
Seriously. It happened.That said, I don't think you should watch Jingle All the Way -- no, I'm just explaining why it's likely that you have watched it, and why I have both watched it and have a copy of this on my shelf. If you're an Arnold completionist, sure, but it's not a good movie. The tonal issues and lack of a truly heartwarming Christmas resolution kind of ruin it. I mean, I've tried to watch this as a "good BAD movie" -- you know, getting together a group of friends to skewer the thing -- and not even a group of friends, attuned to the hilarious nuances of bad movies, could make this thing good.NOT RECOMMENDED.
No comments have been added yet.
