Off the Shelf: Rogue One (2016)... AN ENTIRELY TOO LONG, SPOILERIFIC REVIEW
There are a billion spoilers in this review. Just warning you. But the WORST spoilers will be in pink. So if you haven't seen it, just skip those parts!
I had been kind of excited about seeing Rogue One. It was supposed to be the first Star Wars spin-off -- i.e. a film starring none of the original or prequel main characters. One would think that it would have to be supported by the weight of the storytelling, and give us some bright new characters...
One would think.
Okay, so, I knew in advance that it was about the people who steal the original Death Star plan so that the original film (A New Hope) can take place. That's your basic plot right there. But here's the expanded plot:
Jyn witnesses her mother killed and her father taken away so that he could do some contractor work for the Empire. Forest Whittaker saves her. FIFTEEN YEARS LATER, Jyn is in prison for some unspecified reason (and no, we don't really ever find out what she's been doing for the past fifteen years, except apparently learning some fighting techniques). Some rebels rescue her -- for some unspecified reason, maybe because they somehow know that she's the daughter of the guy still doing contractor work for the Empire. She's shuffled around until she goes to the planet Jedha and meets up with Forest Whittaker, who says he's sorry he abandoned her a couple years back. Then he shows her a video of her Dad stating that there's a vague way to blow up the Death Star. Then the Death Star flies over and blows the WHOLE PLACE UP, just for fun. Jyn just escapes with some new friends (Blind Guy With Stick and Guy With Big Gun, not to mention Pilot Who Wears Goggles) while Forest Whittaker stays to die (for unclear reasons. Maybe because he's got big, clunky metal feet and can't run fast?)
So, they go to meet up with the Rebellion folks, who are pretty indecisive. They won't do anything, so Jyn and her group of new pals decide to go and pay a visit to her Dad on Always-Raining planet to get more detailed plans on how to blow up the Death Star. They arrive just in time to see Dad die. But, luckily, he just has time to say where the Death Star plans are kept. So they then drive to Always-Tropical planet and have some random hijinks as they attempt to find the floppy disc that the plans are stored on. Then, the bad guys close the atmosphere's airlock so that the good guys can't fly through or upload things (because, the filmmakers clearly wanted an homage to the greatest of all Star Wars movies, Spaceballs)...
...but then that's easily taken care of. Then there are some more hijinx as they attempt to upload the Death Star plans to the first Rebellion ship they see (oh, did I mention that the Rebellion finally decided to fight? You know, because they heard that somebody had already started fighting. Very brave of them.) And then they get it uploaded. And everyone blows up. End of movie.
Okay.
I've got several problems with this movie, but here is my main problem with this movie:
This is a movie with entirely new characters. AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE NEW CHARACTERS.
Here are our new characters:
JYN ERSO
As I said, Jyn was the daughter of the guy who designed the Death Star. This much we gathered from the trailer. But what has she been doing for all the time that she spent on her own? And what's her personality like? WHO KNOWS? Apparently the filmmakers figured that because she's only appearing in this one movie, we don't need to actually know anything about her. She has no character arc and her motivations are vague at best. I think Jyn would have been more interesting if she had actually gone with her father and the Empire forced her to be raised as a loyal Empire subject, and she only got through it by being really cynical and self-centered -- and then she falls into the Rebellion plot, and learns about self-sacrifice and goodness.... As it is, the self-sacrifice that happens in this movie kind of comes out of nowhere. A huge disappointment. (This is getting to be my mantra.... but I don't blame the actress. Nothing was written for her to do).
GALEN ERSO
This is the guy who designed the Death Star. He is played by the actor with the best name, Mads Mikkelson (above). I didn't even bother to look up a picture of him in costume, because he isn't given anything to do in this movie. He is kind of sad when his wife dies, and kind of sad when he himself dies. And that's it.
CASSIAN ANDOR
I had to look up this character's name because I couldn't remember it. This delicate, dainty little man is, OSTENSIBLY, our lead male character. He has no personality and no backstory (except for some familial "losses" that we are told about but never see, and the fact that he's been fighting for the rebels for a long time). He has an introductory scene in which he kills some random person, which for the rest of the film confused me into thinking that he was going to betray the good guys in the end -- which he did not. (I guess that was supposed to be his Han-Shot-First moment, but it just really muddied the waters). I was, and am, terribly confused by the casting of this character. I seriously kept waiting for the real main male lead to show up, because I couldn't believe this was him. I guess, if you're going to have a "strong female lead" you can't also have strong male leads, in somebody's mind. Why can't both sexes be strong together? Doesn't that seem fair? But no. He was pretty limp. He was supposed to be the "Han Solo-type" -- except that he had about as much machismo as Bret from the Flight of the Conchords . And zero charisma. (Bret has much more charisma. But he's also allowed to have a personality, as pictured below.)
Bret!
K2SO
We get more backstory and personality from the stupid "C3P0-type" robot than from practically any other character. He used to be an Empire robot, you see, but the Rebellion captured and reprogrammed him. So now he's just a jerk. So, there you have it! That's all you need to make a character, and they squander it on this guy! What did we need him for? Nothing that couldn't have been taken care of by someone else. He was in this movie because Disney said there had to be a funny robot in this movie. (For the kids).
BODHI ROOK
I also had to look up this guy's name. Another beta-male with no backstory. He defected from the Empire and he wears goggles, and can pilot a ship (although I'm not sure we ever actually see him piloting a ship -- he mostly works on radio communications). I kept confusing him and our main lead guy because they were too physically similar, (which seemed like another weird call on the filmmaker's part. They usually know that you don't cast people who look too much alike unless you're making a point about them looking alike.) Wouldn't it have made more sense to cut this guy and one of the plentiful other characters figure out how to work the radio? Like, maybe, OUR LEAD CHARACTER, the supposedly smart and independent woman?
SAW GERRERA
This is Forest Whitaker. His character comes from nowhere and goes nowhere. But his last name sounds kind of like Guevara. (So you know he must be a rebel, like that guy on all those t-shirts!) And he's got stumpy metal feet. He serves no crucial purpose in this film and could have been edited out.
CHIRRUT ÎMWE
This is the blind guy with a stick -- who is the single most interesting, charismatic and entertaining character in this film. Heck, I would have LOVED a movie about just this guy. Why is he blind? Has he always been blind? Why does he believe in the force so intensely, even though he doesn't seem to have force powers? Why does he hang around the Jedi temple even though he wasn't a Jedi? How is he such a good fighter? Why does the guy with the big gun hang around with him? This character would have been great... if he was just given a bit more to do. Like, maybe teach our main character some important lesson about goodness or self-sacrifice. (Which he didn't get to do. He was allowed about two brief scenes, and that's it for him).
AMAZE BALLS
Okay, okay. That's not his real name. His real name is Baze Malbus, which sounds nothing like amazeballs. This is the guy with the big gun, who follows around the blind guy. They are friends. We don't know who he is or where he comes from or why he and the blind guy are friends, or what any of his motivation is, or even what his personality is, besides "stoic". He could easily have been edited out of the film, or had his one or two bits of action given to someone else.
I had been kind of excited about seeing Rogue One. It was supposed to be the first Star Wars spin-off -- i.e. a film starring none of the original or prequel main characters. One would think that it would have to be supported by the weight of the storytelling, and give us some bright new characters...
One would think.
Okay, so, I knew in advance that it was about the people who steal the original Death Star plan so that the original film (A New Hope) can take place. That's your basic plot right there. But here's the expanded plot:
Jyn witnesses her mother killed and her father taken away so that he could do some contractor work for the Empire. Forest Whittaker saves her. FIFTEEN YEARS LATER, Jyn is in prison for some unspecified reason (and no, we don't really ever find out what she's been doing for the past fifteen years, except apparently learning some fighting techniques). Some rebels rescue her -- for some unspecified reason, maybe because they somehow know that she's the daughter of the guy still doing contractor work for the Empire. She's shuffled around until she goes to the planet Jedha and meets up with Forest Whittaker, who says he's sorry he abandoned her a couple years back. Then he shows her a video of her Dad stating that there's a vague way to blow up the Death Star. Then the Death Star flies over and blows the WHOLE PLACE UP, just for fun. Jyn just escapes with some new friends (Blind Guy With Stick and Guy With Big Gun, not to mention Pilot Who Wears Goggles) while Forest Whittaker stays to die (for unclear reasons. Maybe because he's got big, clunky metal feet and can't run fast?)
So, they go to meet up with the Rebellion folks, who are pretty indecisive. They won't do anything, so Jyn and her group of new pals decide to go and pay a visit to her Dad on Always-Raining planet to get more detailed plans on how to blow up the Death Star. They arrive just in time to see Dad die. But, luckily, he just has time to say where the Death Star plans are kept. So they then drive to Always-Tropical planet and have some random hijinks as they attempt to find the floppy disc that the plans are stored on. Then, the bad guys close the atmosphere's airlock so that the good guys can't fly through or upload things (because, the filmmakers clearly wanted an homage to the greatest of all Star Wars movies, Spaceballs)...
...but then that's easily taken care of. Then there are some more hijinx as they attempt to upload the Death Star plans to the first Rebellion ship they see (oh, did I mention that the Rebellion finally decided to fight? You know, because they heard that somebody had already started fighting. Very brave of them.) And then they get it uploaded. And everyone blows up. End of movie.
Okay.
I've got several problems with this movie, but here is my main problem with this movie:
This is a movie with entirely new characters. AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE NEW CHARACTERS.
Here are our new characters:
JYN ERSO
As I said, Jyn was the daughter of the guy who designed the Death Star. This much we gathered from the trailer. But what has she been doing for all the time that she spent on her own? And what's her personality like? WHO KNOWS? Apparently the filmmakers figured that because she's only appearing in this one movie, we don't need to actually know anything about her. She has no character arc and her motivations are vague at best. I think Jyn would have been more interesting if she had actually gone with her father and the Empire forced her to be raised as a loyal Empire subject, and she only got through it by being really cynical and self-centered -- and then she falls into the Rebellion plot, and learns about self-sacrifice and goodness.... As it is, the self-sacrifice that happens in this movie kind of comes out of nowhere. A huge disappointment. (This is getting to be my mantra.... but I don't blame the actress. Nothing was written for her to do).
GALEN ERSO
This is the guy who designed the Death Star. He is played by the actor with the best name, Mads Mikkelson (above). I didn't even bother to look up a picture of him in costume, because he isn't given anything to do in this movie. He is kind of sad when his wife dies, and kind of sad when he himself dies. And that's it.
CASSIAN ANDOR
I had to look up this character's name because I couldn't remember it. This delicate, dainty little man is, OSTENSIBLY, our lead male character. He has no personality and no backstory (except for some familial "losses" that we are told about but never see, and the fact that he's been fighting for the rebels for a long time). He has an introductory scene in which he kills some random person, which for the rest of the film confused me into thinking that he was going to betray the good guys in the end -- which he did not. (I guess that was supposed to be his Han-Shot-First moment, but it just really muddied the waters). I was, and am, terribly confused by the casting of this character. I seriously kept waiting for the real main male lead to show up, because I couldn't believe this was him. I guess, if you're going to have a "strong female lead" you can't also have strong male leads, in somebody's mind. Why can't both sexes be strong together? Doesn't that seem fair? But no. He was pretty limp. He was supposed to be the "Han Solo-type" -- except that he had about as much machismo as Bret from the Flight of the Conchords . And zero charisma. (Bret has much more charisma. But he's also allowed to have a personality, as pictured below.)
Bret!K2SO
We get more backstory and personality from the stupid "C3P0-type" robot than from practically any other character. He used to be an Empire robot, you see, but the Rebellion captured and reprogrammed him. So now he's just a jerk. So, there you have it! That's all you need to make a character, and they squander it on this guy! What did we need him for? Nothing that couldn't have been taken care of by someone else. He was in this movie because Disney said there had to be a funny robot in this movie. (For the kids).
BODHI ROOK
I also had to look up this guy's name. Another beta-male with no backstory. He defected from the Empire and he wears goggles, and can pilot a ship (although I'm not sure we ever actually see him piloting a ship -- he mostly works on radio communications). I kept confusing him and our main lead guy because they were too physically similar, (which seemed like another weird call on the filmmaker's part. They usually know that you don't cast people who look too much alike unless you're making a point about them looking alike.) Wouldn't it have made more sense to cut this guy and one of the plentiful other characters figure out how to work the radio? Like, maybe, OUR LEAD CHARACTER, the supposedly smart and independent woman?
SAW GERRERA
This is Forest Whitaker. His character comes from nowhere and goes nowhere. But his last name sounds kind of like Guevara. (So you know he must be a rebel, like that guy on all those t-shirts!) And he's got stumpy metal feet. He serves no crucial purpose in this film and could have been edited out.
CHIRRUT ÎMWE
This is the blind guy with a stick -- who is the single most interesting, charismatic and entertaining character in this film. Heck, I would have LOVED a movie about just this guy. Why is he blind? Has he always been blind? Why does he believe in the force so intensely, even though he doesn't seem to have force powers? Why does he hang around the Jedi temple even though he wasn't a Jedi? How is he such a good fighter? Why does the guy with the big gun hang around with him? This character would have been great... if he was just given a bit more to do. Like, maybe teach our main character some important lesson about goodness or self-sacrifice. (Which he didn't get to do. He was allowed about two brief scenes, and that's it for him).AMAZE BALLS
Okay, okay. That's not his real name. His real name is Baze Malbus, which sounds nothing like amazeballs. This is the guy with the big gun, who follows around the blind guy. They are friends. We don't know who he is or where he comes from or why he and the blind guy are friends, or what any of his motivation is, or even what his personality is, besides "stoic". He could easily have been edited out of the film, or had his one or two bits of action given to someone else.
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