Drinking Alcohol in Front of Kids… Right or Wrong?

If you know how to manage your alcohol and have good boundaries and guidelines, drinking alcohol in front of your kids is not wrong. Despite all the confusion and controversy around this topic, this is really a black-and-white issue.

As with any other parenting topic of concern, in order to parent mindfully and to have a lasting relationship with our kids, we must consider perspective first. Then we can move on to some tools.

Perspective

Be clear about your intention. Your goal is not to role-model “no drinking”—though if that’s the case, your choice is easy—it’s to advocate drinking responsibly. Bypass the urge to say, “I can’t wait to get drunk tonight.” Or, “Man, I need a drink.” Instead try, “I’m so looking forward to the party tonight. It’ll be fun!”


You are a role model and rule model. Be a good one for your kids—one that makes you feel proud of yourself. Why? Because they will follow your lead, now or ten years from now. It is much less work to exert self-control now and be a healthy role model for your children than to pick up the pieces of their bad drinking habits—whatever their age. If the finger of responsibility points in your direction, that’s a hard burden to bear. Bob Dylan says, “A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom.”

Tools

Honest, mindful, effective communication—being open with your kids, to a point—is a great place to start. Discuss the benefits and risks of drinking in an age-appropriate way. For younger children, let them start a conversation and answer their curiosity. If they don’t start the conversation, but their body language, emotions, and expressions are sending a message loud and clear, bring the subject up with them. The key is to allow kids to ask the questions and then answer to the point. There’s no need for “Oh, I had a hangover last weekend and barely made it home.” This is not truth or dare; it’s not the place to showcase your heroic youthful qualities. But don’t hide behind the answers either. Use your intuition to guide you. Hiding and lying will backfire, as will giving too much information.


Draw clear guidelines and boundaries for yourself, follow them, and discuss them, if they come up in conversation. For example:


“I usually only have two drinks. Anything over that makes me not feel well.”
“I don’t drive even with just one drink.” My husband and I have lived by this guideline since our first conversation with the kids, when my son was 9 and my daughter 12. They both said, “You had one drink; you shouldn’t drive.” The rule is not “You can drive if you’ve had one drink,” it’s “there’s no drinking and driving.” Yup! The kids put us in our place, and we vowed to live by it. As it stands, if our kids drank, they called us to pick them up (earlier on), used taxis (as they got older), and now…hooray for Uber! The risk of drinking and driving is not worth it! This is non-negotiable. Hard, but non-negotiable, and perhaps the most important teaching moment.


If you have exceeded your boundaries or guidelines in the presence of your kids, start the conversation yourself. Take the lead by saying, “I’m so sorry you had to see that. I know this makes you feel mad and sad, and I am sorry. Can we talk about this?” If your child is willing to engage, great. If not, let him or her know how you are feeling physically: “I feel awful right now. My head and tummy hurts.” (No need to say, “I fell down the stairs and made a pass at our neighbor.”) Or, “This is a big learning lesson for me. In the future, I will be sure to limit myself to two drinks.” Or, “Ugh, this is what excessive alcohol does, it makes you lose your judgment, and once you pass that limit, you don’t make good decisions. I’m sorry for myself; I need a hug.” If you don’t get a response, don’t force it.

Balance is key. Parenting is about being mindful and real. Other than that, enjoy yourself! This is real life. Be real with your kids. Use your in-tuition to guide you. If you parent intentionally, you can’t go wrong.

“We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.”

George Bernard Shaw

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