The Weenie on My Walk

Well, I have encountered a lot on my daily walks but I did not expect this today.

I have been followed by a droid, witnessed fights between two Asian ladies, which is hilarious to watch y’all because I have not idea what they are saying, and I’ve run across bags of dog crap carelessly dropped along the path.

Additionally, I have come across clothing such as socks, shoes, shorts, and a jacket. Not sure what to think of those discarded items but I press on all the while thinking, “Who loses a whole pair of shorts? Are they running so fast that they just get ripped from their body?”

I’ve also dodged my death when Edward Scissor Arms came at me the other day. That dude freaks me the heck out and from what I’ve seen, anyone that he happens to scissor by seems to do a double take and then slinks uneasy like off of the path so as not to be chopped up to little bits by the over-exuberant swing of his deadly arms.

I’ve also run across a poor unfortunate soul who no doubt about it probably has Tourette’s, as he spews curse words, worse than me, and other words that I have no idea what they are. I feel bad for the fella but he too freaks me the heck out.

I’ve seen folks making out on the path. For example, the other day these probably around early 20’s couple were sitting on the side of the path and they just looked almost like they could be homeless or very unkept. Anyway, as I came up on them, the dude looks up at me and says, “Do you have any spare change?” Um, I’m in leggings, a sports bra, and a t-shirt, I’m pretty sure I don’t have any jingling in my non-existent pockets you moron.

“Um no, I obviously don’t have my purse or pockets so you’re outta luck fella.”

To which he replies, “What about in your bra? I know my girl here likes to keep her money in her bra.” What the hell?

“Um no, I don’t tote money or change in my sports bra.” I wanted to add, “Um, dude, you really shouldn’t be talking about a strangers bra to her,” but I didn’t.

On the way back through, I was hoping they weren’t still there but alas, they were, and they were sucking face but violently. Here’s what I mean . . .

As I looked over, because it looked too weird not to see what was going on, he had a hold of her bottom lip with his teeth and didn’t seem to be letting go anytime soon. She on the other hand was looking up at the sky as if she was bored out of her mind having her bottom lip gnawed the hell off. It was freaking weird!

Now, today, another weird thing happened and I had to laugh and pick it up. I know what you are thinking, “Ewww, why the hell did you pick it up?”

Let me go on before the judging begins . . .

I was about done with my walk and as I was walking down the last long stretch, I saw something pale and pointy lying in the grass. As I got closer, I was shocked to see a weenie and two of his round friends lying in the grass. I had to stop and get a closer look.

Yes, that is indeed a weenie and the two things that hang out with him. My first thought was how in the hell did that get there? My second thought was, “Aw, hell, I can’t let that lay there because there is school tomorrow and all the kids that walk along this sidewalk will see it,” so, I picked it up.

Now, chill, it was a cardboard replica of a man’s junk and no, I was not proud to pick it up and fold it in half. However, I couldn’t wait to get home to show my husband my weird but interesting find and then throw it away. I also proudly thought of myself as a genitalia hero having just prevented young innocent children from seeing this on their walk to school tomorrow.

When I got home, I showed my find to my husband who said, “So that’s where I left it.” Good Lord man, you are a mess!

As I ripped it up to throw away I could see my husband wincing as if it were his parts that I was ripping up. “You are the biggest goober!” He chuckled and resumed his TV watching.

Now, I don’t know where it came from but I feel sure that I was led right to it by the Lord above to expose of it before the children saw it. I told my husband this to which he replied, “You are the savior of us all! Praise Jesus!” Goober!

Love y’all!!♥