Perhaps if I was Wink Martindale, I would’ve turned out...

Perhaps if I was Wink Martindale, I would’ve turned out somewhat normal.

Wink Martindale, what a fabulous name. It sounds like a village south of Hobbiton or a wrestling move. “I was winning the match, but he unleashed the Wink Martindale and pinned my ass to the mat.”

Why didn’t my parents name me Wink Martindale? I don’t even need the Kindt after it. I always have to spell it after I say it or I become Kent, and I have been called Kinn Dit thousands of times. All through grade school I was My Cunt (and I still bear the scars of that deep down in a secret and squishy place in my heart). Perhaps if I was Wink Martindale, I would’ve turned out somewhat normal.

I like that line: “Perhaps if I was Wink Martindale, I would’ve turned out somewhat normal”. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a title.

I wonder if Wink Martindale is Wink Martindale’s real name? Hopefully it isn’t, like, Brad Martindale or something, and he just turned into Wink Martindale because he got something in his eye one day. Brad “Wink” Martindale. No. Just no.

Brad is a boring ass name, just like Mike. The place a boring ass name would really work, I think, is on a dog. Dogs always have fabulous names. I’ve personally known Hooter and Sam and Shadow and Freckles and Barney and Max and Pedronov and Shitferbrains and Keela and Shunka and Brutus and Daisy and Duke. Wouldn’t it be hilarious to get a dog and name it Brad? Male or female, screw it. You’re  Brad the Dog. Or Kyle. Oh my God, Kyle the Dog!

Is the ASPCA open on Sunday?

Wink Martindale, though. That’s the shit.