blog virgin attempts blog
so here we go. i've never done a blog thingy-jigger and just to set things up correctly i do know about capitalization cuz i am a writer and i do like text talk cuz i know it would really piss off my sixth grade english teacher as would the lack of caps. caps and excessive letters when we all know what goes where seems tedious if i am just playing around and using the shift key is annoying. so now you know i am a brat–now i am a brat blogger.
let's start with my sixth grade english teacher (add disclaimer) the only thing that will remain the same about her is the red lipstick but hey that can't be trademarked. she wore red lipstick, handed out grammar assignments and read the newspaper while eating a vending machine delicacy that we out here in the west call polar bear assholes. for those of you not aware of what a polar bear asshole is–this is not a meat product which i am glad of cuz i love polar bears rather is is a donut–a small donut covered in powdered sugar that comes in a cellophane wrapper. you always knew when the polar bear assholes were breaking out because as we all know opening packages clandestinely is never a quiet process. crinkle, clinkle, rip, rip. the newspaper would go up and the feeding frenzy would commence. we would dutifully scribble at our assignments until the frenzy was over and she would fold up the newspaper and eye us like we were subversive grammar thugs that should be incarcerated with a copy of english grammar for dummies and not released until we could prove we knew, knew from the bottom of our little tenny runners where a colon, semi-colon, comma, and period went.
it was hard going to answer these questions when your teacher, the supposed object of adoration, asked you what a colon was while she was wearing polar bear asshole traces on her red lipstick. her lips would move and the powdered sugar would dance around and well, here's what happened.
"you there in the pig-tails," she said. i never knew if she was really bad at names or if this was some kind of english grammar fascism where granting one an identity was to allow for a sense of individualism and that made for poor mind control.
"yes, ma'am?"
"what is a colon?"
Polar Bear asshole
and all i saw was polar bear assholes and that's what i said. i spent the rest of the day in detention. i have always had this mental block ever since. so there you have it—caps, colons, polar bear assholes and red lipstick. blog on.
