For Your Consideration: Vote Heloise & Grimple for Goodreads Choice Awards!

There’s a brilliant old Halloween episode of the Simpsons that aired during the 1996 election season in which the two primary candidates for President, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole, were replaced by those alien rapscallions Kang and Kodos. Once this is revealed to voters, one man boldly proclaims that he’ll vote for a third-party candidate, which prompts mocking laughter from the aliens, who admonish him, “Go ahead, throw away your vote!” as an angry Ross Perot punches his fist through his hat.

Is voting for a write-in book in the Goodreads Choice Awards the digital literary equivalent of throwing away your vote? Of course it is. But, like Homer Simpson, who, when President Kang is his horse-whipping his slave labor force (which is, of course, all of humanity), asserts, “Don’t blame me—I voted for Kodos!”, it never hurts to exit the voting booth with a clear conscience, which means voting for the most worthy candidate. Or, at least, the one I paid you to vote for.

To that end, then, I’d like to present a historic longshot, a dark horse so obsidian that it may, in fact, be a black hole that allows neither light nor readers to escape, for the 2016 Choice Award for Fantasy: The Chronicle of Heloise & Grimple.

Why, you ask, should I use my valuable vote on this particular tome, which seems both inconsequential relative to the weighty (and worthy) competitors it faces and to have been written by a caterpillar-eyebrowed jackanapes who’s wasting everyone’s time penning blog paeans to his own greatness? Glad you asked, because I’ll tell you:

1) Fresh voices are in vogue, and it’s hard to be fresher voiced than a strong and assertive half-elven bard who takes no guff from dimwitted hill giants, potentially evil wizards, or smoking hot dwarves, no matter how taut their backsides.

2) The world is a scary and tumultuous place, and what better way to escape from the horrifying prospect (and horrifying reality) of war, terrorism, trade imbalance, and Donald Trump’s pervasive hand gestures than by spending some time in a comic fantasy where the single most important objective is the aforementioned dimwitted hill giant getting back the giant club he lovingly refers to as “Banger” (yet inexplicably also describes using feminine pronouns)?

3) Eyebrow situations and prodigious proboscis notwithstanding, the book’s author smells nice (generally), takes a daily multivitamin (even though that might be the biggest scam ever perpetrated by the supplemental health industrial complex), and is often kind to cuddly creatures, unless said creatures are vampiric chinchillas, in which case he evinces a casual indifference. Do him a solid and help spread the word about what he thinks is a tale that’s at least entertaining enough to make you go, “Meh.”

(Wait, what? You haven’t read the book yet? Well, jeez—get on that so you can vote your conscience!)

Regardless of whether or not you actually vote for H&G (which you would only do if you’re a good person who is also cool), be sure to recognize at least some of the amazing works that have been published in the past year and share them with your friends—the authors will thank you!