What with Mars and Venus?

So we’ve all heard it—the men are from mars, women are from venus theory. John Gray published this relationship advice book in the 90s postering that men and women are psychological from different planets and this is the cause of most relationship problems. I don’t need to publish another criticism of this theory, but it is interesting to ponder.

We tend toward extreme views when it comes to talking about love and relationships. It seems so convenient to have nice little theories that explain every issue. It’s equally convenient that we can fit things into little boxes with obvious solutions. Fortunately for us, love is not convenient, nor is it black and white.

We’ve begun to admit that even gender isn’t binary, with people expressing gender identity on a full spectrum of fluidity.

Part of the beauty of love is that we can’t fit it into theories. Obviously no one group of people are all the same way because of some outer appearance. I think we are moving beyond such things in modern society. We’ve begun to admit that even gender isn’t binary,

with people expressing gender identity on a full spectrum of fluidity. The same is true of our sexual orientation. So it’s pretty easy to debunk the women are from venus, men are from mars scenario.

I’d like to dig a little deeper here and suggest that in fact all of these books and theories are based on a flawed idea that there is a problem which needs to be fixed. It sounds crazy, of course. But in my experience, things don’t really need fixing.

When we approach our relationships as things which are inherently problematic and which we must find solutions to, we will be eternally miserable. We are expending countless amounts of time and energy trying to change something to make it how we want it. Instead, we could be acknowledging things as they are.

As long as we are busy trying to fix someone or something, we will never truly connect.

We can approach something as perfectly worthy just as it is, without needing to change it. When we do this, we establish a ground of flexibility and workability. When we feel okay with things as they are, we become more spacious. This means we have more space in our hearts and minds to meet others, to relate to them, as it were. Thus, we have a chance to actually connect. We can meet them as they are, in whatever situation we are in. We can appreciate that. We can show up for that. This is how connection happens. As long as we are busy trying to fix someone or something, we will never truly connect.

Whatever planet we might be from, if we remember that there is no problem to begin with, we might just find that we already speak the same language.