Uncertainty

I had already brought my mouth to his, just as I’d kissed him the night before.   Something unexpected seemed to clear away between us, and, for a second, it seemed there was absolutely no difference in age between us, just two men kissing, and even this seemed to dissolve, as I began to feel we were not even two men, just two beings.  I loved the egalitarianism of the moment.  I loved feeling younger and older, human to human, man to man, Jew to Jew.--Andre AcimanCALL ME BY YOUR NAME
I was still living off of the recent, wonderful escape with Alan to Laguna Beach.   I want to go again—sooner versus later.   I am draining away from the Ad Sales Rep job.   I am actively seeking new job opportunities.  I am confident something will come up.   The problem I have is that I have so many interests right now:  advertising, sales, entertainment, acting, and modeling.   I have a fear factor over some of them (acting, modeling) because they seem like such short-lived careers where you’re always wondering when/if you’ll get the next break or job.
I sent another postcard to mom.  It was the Pablo Picasso image of THE LOVERS and/or LES DEMOISELLES D’AVIGNON from 1907 which is held at the Museum of Modern Art in New York.  Mom has a large print of the same image in her living room.  I wrote:
Mom,See this…I immediately thought of you while shopping around Melrose Avenue when I was with Jim from the Gym and Chris Hicks—while they were visiting here. One day you and I will have to fly to New York and we will look at the original 1907 painting by Pablo.   That would be a fun thing to do.Here’s another little something for you (I sent her a scarf, black with a white embroidered imprint of the letter “A” for ARMIJO).Have a great day.Come visit me soon.Love Always,Michael J Armijo
Dorothy Rua, of Walnut Creek, sent a card with a violet sky and silhouettes of palm trees.   She had replied to the AFTER DARK, MY SWEET card I sent her (the same one I sent my mother).   I had shared the news that I was trying to come up with an abstract art piece that was reminiscent of my father.   I told her the title of the art project:  CHRONICLES OF MY FATHER.
9-12-90Hi Michael,How wonderful of you to call me yesterday…just when your call was MOST needed!   When the phone rang my thought was “Now who in the hell is it?”  So you can imagine the smile your voice brought to my lips and I want you to know that our conversation helped me put the absurd position I am in into perspective.  I was able to get through the day—and today—with a better attitude.  Thanks.
I liked your AFTER DARK MY SWEET card.   Sorry to hear the movie didn’t live up to your expectations but the card was a great example of the sequence of events after the one I sent.  I would have sent a follow-up but I haven’t had a chance to get to an “ADULT STORE”!   Ha-ha!There is quite a bit of news/dirt at your end.  You sound so much happier—or at least in great spirits.  Your decision to concentrate on what you’ll enjoy must be the secret.  I’m glad to hear you are following your original plan.  I just know it’s all going to work out for you!  You MUST find a lucrative outlet for your creative abilities…
Keep me informed of y our personal ART projects…sounds like they manage to keep you quite busy.  I’ll be especially interested to hear how you feel about CHRONICLES OF MY FATHER when you’ve completed it.   Be sure to let me know where it (and your other exhibits) can be viewed.   Won’t it be great to see your work on display sometime?   Remember there’s more than one rainbow out there.
9-13-90I didn’t get to finish yesterday.  I hope you’re job search leads you to the position you want.  As I mentioned I mailed a resume to North Carolina on Sunday and hope to get some type of response.  The job is in the Bay Area and it sounds like something I can use my Mortgage Banking experience in.  I’m beginning to wonder if I structured my resume accurately for the job though…especially after talking to the HEAD HUNTER in New York about the other job in San Francisco.  He offered quite a bit of constructive criticism which helped me polish (or enhance) my resume.   It’s too late for the first resume that went out.  Oh well…we’ll see.
I’m meeting Tonee Owens for HAPPY HOUR at the CANTINA in Walnut Creek after work today.  It should be fun catching up on each other!  We’ll miss you and Laverne!  I’ll say a toast and have a drink for you…maybe two!
I’m meeting with some friends after work tomorrow.  It’s a pot luck gathering for some dirt…and one of them is pregnant, so there will be that to celebrate (celebrate that it is NOT the rest of us).  I know…that’s not nice.  Perhaps. But true!
It’s a beautiful day today.  It’s the kind of day I can imagine checking out the beach.   Find anyone with money yet?  Keep looking…she lives down there behind one of those beach umbrellas (visiting from Merced)!  Ha-ha.
You DO have an interesting assortment of stamps.  More later, Love, Dorothy.
And a few days later a gorgeous postcard of the multi-Academy Award winning actress, Katherine Hepburn.  I had never seen her so young (1934).  The photo postcard was sent to me from Dorothy Rua.  The photograph was taken by George Honyingen-Huene.  I just love the portrait of her…so natural.  Dorothy wrote shortly and sweetly and I had never thought it before but I began to wonder if she had a fancy crush on me.   I always saw her as a big sister—but now I wasn’t so sure.  I decided to not prolong the idea.  I'll be carefree and continue to enjoy her advice, counsel and friendship.
Well, I don’t think I can fit another full-size card in this envelope so I’ll close with this postcard.You mentioned how much you love to EAT (as we all do) but I am sure you don’t have to worry about any weight problems.  I can’t imagine you looking anything other than great, especially if you still work out at the club.
Speaking of food…you asked what I might bring on a picnic we would share at the Park at Mortefontaine.  I would definitely bring my Crab Mousse and some sour dough baguettes and maybe some tropical fruit, too.  I’d also have a particular French white wine in mind.   Would we need dessert?
I’m writing from the top of my mountain/hill where I dream my impossible dreams.  It’s been a while since I’ve been here.  It makes me think of you as do many different songs I hear throughout the day(s).  Love, Dorothy September 13, 1990 Alan took a photo of me as I was sleeping.  I guess he was getting even for the one I took of him in Switzerland.   I looked at the photo and saw a restless guy filled with uncertainty in his dreams
I had some Black and White cards made from a photo that Alan took of me in Amboise, France.  I am using the first card today (to mom).   I will likely send one to Paloma soon also.  I wrote:

September 17, 1990Hi Mom,Here’s my “ANYTIME CARD”.   I was going to use them as Christmas card but I like it better in full-color for Christmas (yet, in color, I have red-eye in the original photo).I just got off of the phone with you.  I was telling you about my interview tomorrow, September 18th.  I can’t wait until September 29th.  Jeez, it is only days away.Oh well, I am going to write out a few more cards to a few friends.   They’ll be surprised to get a card of “ME”. Ha-ha.Later, Love You Lots!Michael J Armijo
A part of me wants to move back to the Bay Area.   There is too much uncertainty here.   Alan uplifts me but I still tell him I may go.  He doesn’t like the itsy bitsy threats.   They’re not threats though.  I’m scared.   I need to feel security again.  Isn’t security where you feel safe?   Safe is being home…near mom and family.   Then again, I realize that HOME can be anywhere.  HOME is where you are loved.
“Aren’t you trying to tell me you’ve decided to go?”“Oh dear…I’m not sure of anything.”“You’ve got a lot of friends.”“Certainly I have.   Friends.   And they’re real dears…but none of them NEED me.  There isn’t anyone who’d make me feel guilty about leaving them.”“The point is, do you WANT to go?  If you want to go, you should go.  Never mind anybody else.”--Christopher Isherwood,
A SINGLE MAN