Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013) – Better Late Than Never Reviews
Welcome back to ‘Better Late Than Never Reviews’! Reviewing some lesser known classics as well as a random crappy flick or two. Guard yourself, for there may be spoilers. It’s time to head deep into the chainsaw filled wilds of Texas. Without further ado…
‘Texas Chainsaw 3D’ is a cinematic fart. It’s loud, stinky, and made me want to flee the room to escape it’s presence. This movie angered me. This movie annoyed me. In other words, the newest piece of celluloid flatulence that is this franchise arrives exactly as I expected it would.
Our film this go around starts up moments after the original Texas Chainsaw film wraps up. The Sheriff of Newt, Texas arrives at the home of the Sawyer family, ready to arrest the them for defaces of crime. But, because the sheriff is slow and inept, some locals arrive, armed to the teeth to get revenge. After a shot is fired by mistake, the Sawyer family find themselves at the wrong end of a molotov cocktail. As nearly the entire inbred Sawyer family goes up in flames, one lone member escapes, baby in her arms. One of the townspeople takes the baby to raise as their own.
Then we jump to what (I assume) is 2013 to the 20-something Heather (played by ) receiving the last will and testament of her grandmother who Heather has never actually met. You see, she’s that baby, all grown up after all that time. (That doesn’t even make sense! Heather would be like 40!) With a crew of dumb teenagers in tow, Heather takes the trip to reconnect with a family she never knew she had. Enter her cousin (?) Leatherface, who the deceased grandmother was taking care of. As Leatherface extremely violently murders her boyfriend and her other chums, Heather contends with some angry townsfolk and the finds her place in her long lost family.
That’s right. That’s what this film decides to focus on! ‘Texas Chainsaw 3D’ takes a annoyingly long time trying to make Leatherface into some kind of hero, an ally to the confused Heather. Leatherface saws her friends in half. Splatters her with her own blood. And, as the film arrives at it’s stupid finale, Heather utters one of the worst lines I’ve ever heard in the history of horror cinema.
“Do your thing, cuz!”
The kills, when director bothers to even show us them, are boring and pedestrian. The performances are bad even for a slasher. The script makes little to no sense, jumping from lame set piece to lame set piece. Even little moments of creativity (Leatherface rampaging into a carnival) are buried by so much BAD. The film’s incredible leaps in logic and coherent throughout are both lazy and depressing.
I rented ‘Texas Chainsaw 3D’ expecting a by-the-numbers kind of slasher film. Teenage kids go somewhere, get drunk, get killed. The film’s opening 30 minutes starts us on the right track off before veering off into unexplored territory. Trying to make Heather love (?) her long lost cousin after he makes a face from their flesh is asinine, misguided, and downright STUPID. At least ‘I Still Know What You Did Last Summer’, another bad slasher I reviewed for Better Late Than Never Reviews, knew it’s place. With all that film’s problems at least it’s FUN. ‘Chainsaw’ is terrible. Just bad.
Unless you are a member of the Sawyer clan, stay away. STAY FAR AWAY.
Filed under: Better Late Than Never Reviews Tagged: Film Review, Horror, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
