Pride, Joy, and Tears
It’s a bittersweet day at our humble abode as my eldest bonus son has flown the nest for college today. There is a feeling of pride, joy, and tears emanating from my sweet husband.
As my bonus son was packing up last night, I don’t think it had hit my husband yet that this was truly happening, but boy did it hit him this morning.
As I watched him quietly sitting at the table looking out the kitchen window after his son drove away, I noticed tears gently rolling down his cheeks and the reality of what will happen to me in two years when my son leaves nearly knocked me on my ass.
I can’t even imagine what my husband must be feeling right now pride, joy, sadness, loss, fear, trepidation? I think there is a lot he is feeling and he keeps shaking his sweet little wet-cheeked head saying, “I didn’t expect to feel this way. I knew it would be hard, but this really is beyond words.” Bless him.
These changes that will inevitably take place, and we want them to, we really do, can be quite overwhelming and in some respects, your response to it can be quite unbelievable.
I remember the first day of kindergarten for my son. We had walked to school and as I approached the door to his classroom, my heart seized quite unexpectedly and I felt as if I would sob. Now, I’m not the crying type so this was very unexpected. I was able to hold it together and see him off but walking back home was another story.
The same thing happened when I walked my daughter to her kindergarten classroom 2 years later. I was shocked at my reaction because I knew it was coming, I was mentally prepared, and I had already done it with my son so what the hell emotions? Chill the hell out!
Another of the many moments in my memory where I had to hold it together because I was suddenly attacked by my damn emotions, was when my son was graduating from 8th grade. As these little citizens were walking up the aisle to their chair for the ceremony my breath caught and I almost lost it. My husband was there with me because we were married then and his daughter was graduating too. He heard me and looked at me as my eyes filled up. Putting his arm around me, he whispered, “It’s okay momma.” These sudden attacks of emotion blow me away but I know why it happens.
Before we had our kids we were all one big ball of selfish, sometimes heartless, much less understanding, and ignorant to what it would be like to have a piece of you roaming around the earth with your heart in their little hands.
When you have a child, you lose your heart to them and you are forever changed. You worry constantly, wring your hands when you haven’t heard from them or they are late, worry about who they are with and what they are doing, will they do well in school, do they have enough gas, food, love, etc. When you have a child, you can damn well expect the unexpected.
I know that my husband will end up alright, but watching those silent tears rolling down his cheeks absolutely kills me because I know he is terribly sad and it also gives me a glimpse of when it’s my turn and I’m not sure I’ll be ready, but what choice do I have. I have been guiding my children in this direction on purpose but man it’ll be freaking weird.
To all you students out there, keep up the good work. To all your parents whose heart is no longer yours, I’m there with ya. Prayers to all the students and parents out there.
Love y’all!! ♥
