This Should Go Without Saying, But…

Please don't try to set me up with any gay guys.

Last week my friend threw a little party and, despite having the flu, I went because I am kind and benevolent and felt that it would damage New York City itself, if I didn't make a cameo. I told her upfront that I could only stay a few minutes lest I barf all over the cater waiters but she said in a stern voice: "Sit down. You're not going anywhere, I have a surprise for you…"

A surprise, eh? Clearly I hoped it was cake, but she said it was in fact a dude.

"Girl you just wait!" she squealed. "You are gonna thank me for years to come!"

"You know I have a boyfriend, right? And I'm feeling super nauseous so I'd just rather…"

"Pfft who cares," she sniffed. "Once you get a load of this guy, you'll dump your dude ASAP."

Too tired and queasy to argue, I flopped back down on the bar stool. Ten minutes later, my friend was giving me an excited nudge.

"OMG! Here he comes! Are you ready for this?! I've told him ALL about you!"

And then, from behind the beaded curtain, who should emerge but a TOTALLY FLAMING GAY GUY.

Oh but he wasn't alone. He was with his boyfriend.

"Um, Jessica," I hissed, "That is a homosexual, you do know that right?"

For some reason, I was fucking FURIOUS. Do I honestly look like the kind of person who is so desperate for male attention that I don't care if he's gay or straight? Really?! Did she think I was up for the challenge of un-gaying him or perhaps in danger of missing my fag hag quota for the month?

The point, dear friends, is that my social calendar is not a depository for your sexually ambiguous pals. I know I probably seem like a great gay ambassador to New York (glambassador? gay ambASSador?) but in fact I am in fact totally stocked up on homos and heteros alike.

 

Many thanks,

Shallon